You know what’s super delicious?
Avocado.
You know what else is great?
Toast.
You know what I have absolutely, positively, never once in my life felt I needed? A recipe for putting those two things together.
Yes, avocado on toast is crunchy, buttery, hole-in-your-soul-filling goodness; that’s not being disputed here. But it’s crunchy, buttery, hole-in-your-soul-filling goodness that is, oh, I don’t know, literally one of the easiest things to make in the world.
Yet for some unfathomable reason, I can’t seem to go anywhere on the internet without seeing yet another article on the apparently ever-trending topic of avocado toast.
Top 10 Hottest Locations To Get Avocado Toast In Your City.
32 No-Fail Avocado Toast Recipes That Are Sure To Be Crowd Pleasers.
Avophiles Must Read: We Blackmailed This Michelin Starred Chef Into Revealing His Top Secret Avocado Toast Tips And Tricks!
Really? Are we really so uninspired as a population that we need this much help getting an easily spreadable fruit onto slightly singed bread and into our mouth holes, or do I need to start a hotline?
Sigh.
It’s gonna be the hotline, isn’t it?
Operator: You’ve reached the Avocado Toast Helpline, how may I assist you today?
Caller: Um yeah hi, I’m trying to make avocado toast but the avocado won’t spread, it’s just fanning out into all these layers and now my eyes are red and teary.
Operator: Okay, so it sounds like you bought an onion, not an avocado. Rookie mistake. Just head back to the grocery store and make sure you get an actual avocado this time, okay?
Caller: OMG I’m an idiot. Back to the store I go. Thank you so much!
Operator: Good afternoon, Avocado Toast Helpline, what seems to be the problem?
Caller: So, um…like, my bread? It’s been in the toaster for, like, ten minutes and it’s still all cold and stuff.
Operator: Is the toaster plugged in?
Caller: Uh, of course…*nervous laugh, click*
Operator: Avocado Toast Helpline, I’m listening.
Caller: Is it a crime against nature to use both sun-dried AND smoked paprika on my avocado toast?
Operator: I thought I told you to stop calling this number, you sick fuck.
Operator: Hi there, thanks for holding, how may I help you?
Caller: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD, I’ve created a rip in the space-time continuum!
Operator: …you added the avocado before toasting the bread, didn’t you?
Caller: …yes.
Operator: Okay, I’m going to put you back on hold for a second while I go get Stephen Hawking on the line. Stay calm, and whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH THE PIT.
Spoken Like A True Nut 
Yes – how hard could it be – really – how hard? I’ve been making ‘avocado toast’ for years and not made a fuss about it and now it’s trendy. Wonder how long it will be before my peanut butter porridge will be all over the internet. š
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh man, you better patent that shit ASAP.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You crack me up! So funny.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But you realize we’re a society that sells frozen toast, so why wouldn’t we need a thousand recipes for avocado toast.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wait is frozen toast actually a thing? Like, not garlic toast or French toast, but just frozen pre-toasted plain bread? What ferocity of headdesking are we talking here?
LikeLike
I think I actually don’t wanna know…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s “Texas toast.” So it has butter on it. Frozen buttered bread. We are becoming the people of Wall-e.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So basically frozen garlic toast without the magic. Gotcha.
(Funny, in my neck of the woods “Texas toast” just means really thick-cut bread.)
LikeLike
yes, that’s it. Thick bread, stuck in the freezer. Can we get any lazier?
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is along the same lines as the fashion bloggers posting “How to Wear a Jacket” – makes me want to scream!
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Zip your jacket up precisely 71% of the way for a chic, effortless look. Be sure it’s 71% exactly; if you venture into what I call the ‘danger zone’ of 72-78%; you’ll just come off like you’re trying too hard.”
LikeLike
Avocad’OH is right! lol. As to the floods of same same recipes that everyone’s pissing their pants over, it seems to be all in the pretty photo-taking. Who cares what the recipe says, it’s not like anyone actually makes anything they find on Pinterest, the important thing is it *looks* pretty.
And yes, Tami’s comment I totally agree with too – I saw AN ENTIRE POST once about how to tuck in your shirt. I seriously should write a post about how to suck eggs, it’d go viral.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Just call it a “hack” and Buzzfeed or Diply or whatever will snap that shit up before you can say “clickbait”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I must have been in a coma because I have never had avocado toast.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Being in a coma is starting to look pretty darn appealing these days.
LikeLike
When Alton Brown talked about avocados having the same fat content as eggs and showed how you could replace eggs with avocados in many recipes–including a delicious avocado ice cream although it still remains impossible to scramble avocados–that was a revelation.
Spreading avocado on toast is obvious. It saves you the trouble of making guacamole–not that I have anything against guacamole but whenever I go to make it I look at all those ingredients and all that mixing and chopping and say, forget it. I’ll just make some toast and eat the avocados as they are.
There is something incredibly messed up about a green fruit having as much fat as an egg though. It’s like nature is playing a cruel trick on us.
Is there an olive helpline?
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s another thing I can’t stand, the whole 1001 recipes for guacamole thing. Unnecessary.
It’s like whenever the topic turns to avocados, suddenly everyone assumes everyone else has the IQ of a character in an infomercial and actually needs detailed guidance for what basically amounts to “mash thing, add other things”. Because if they even touch an avocado without three pages of instructions, they’ll sooner accidentally throw the thing out the window and into the neighbor’s koi pond than ever actually manage to cook with it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This post and the comments are the best thing I’ve read so far today! bwahahahaha!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Must be a slow day. š
LikeLike
Or it’s pure gold š
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, this is just weird. After I red this post I Googled avocado toast and sure enough there are recipes. So for fun I Googled recipe for glass of milk. Egads – there are recipes! What is this world coming to?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Want to really have your mind blown? I give you: English Peas, by Paula Deen.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/english-peas-recipe.html
LikeLike