Introducing bread…with things on it!

You know what’s super delicious?

Avocado.

You know what else is great?

Toast.

You know what I have absolutely, positively, never once in my life felt I needed? A recipe for putting those two things together.

Yes, avocado on toast is crunchy, buttery, hole-in-your-soul-filling goodness; that’s not being disputed here. But it’s crunchy, buttery, hole-in-your-soul-filling goodness that is, oh, I don’t know, literally one of the easiest things to make in the world.

Yet for some unfathomable reason, I can’t seem to go anywhere on the internet without seeing yet another article on the apparently ever-trending topic of avocado toast.

Top 10 Hottest Locations To Get Avocado Toast In Your City.
32 No-Fail Avocado Toast Recipes That Are Sure To Be Crowd Pleasers.
Avophiles Must Read: We Blackmailed This Michelin Starred Chef Into Revealing His Top Secret Avocado Toast Tips And Tricks!

Really? Are we really so uninspired as a population that we need this much help getting an easily spreadable fruit onto slightly singed bread and into our mouth holes, or do I need to start a hotline?

Sigh.
It’s gonna be the hotline, isn’t it?

Operator: You’ve reached the Avocado Toast Helpline, how may I assist you today?
Caller: Um yeah hi, I’m trying to make avocado toast but the avocado won’t spread, it’s just fanning out into all these layers and now my eyes are red and teary.
Operator: Okay, so it sounds like you bought an onion, not an avocado. Rookie mistake. Just head back to the grocery store and make sure you get an actual avocado this time, okay?
Caller: OMG I’m an idiot. Back to the store I go. Thank you so much!

Operator: Good afternoon, Avocado Toast Helpline, what seems to be the problem?
Caller: So, um…like, my bread? It’s been in the toaster for, like, ten minutes and it’s still all cold and stuff.
Operator: Is the toaster plugged in?
Caller: Uh, of course…*nervous laugh, click*

Operator: Avocado Toast Helpline, I’m listening.
Caller: Is it a crime against nature to use both sun-dried AND smoked paprika on my avocado toast?
Operator: I thought I told you to stop calling this number, you sick fuck.

Operator: Hi there, thanks for holding, how may I help you?
Caller: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD, I’ve created a rip in the space-time continuum!
Operator: …you added the avocado before toasting the bread, didn’t you?
Caller: …yes.
Operator: Okay, I’m going to put you back on hold for a second while I go get Stephen Hawking on the line. Stay calm, and whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH THE PIT.

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