Thanks for the perspective.

Being Canadian, it’s kind of weird going on the internet on a Thursday in November and seeing endless photos of golden turkeys, plentiful side dishes (ranging from delicious-looking to highly questionable) and freshly baked pies all over my Facebook and Twitter feeds. If you listen carefully towards the north, you can hear all the bemused Canucks scratching our heads, going “Didn’t we just do all this last month?”

American Thanksgiving isn’t a real thing, it’s just a bunch of Canadians having deja vu.— N for Nutella (@nuttytangents) November 21, 2014

 

But since everyone seems to be on a Thanksgiving thanks giving roll and I hate feeling left out, and because schadenfreude is the gift that keeps on giving, I thought I’d take this time to share a few of the recent search terms that have led to my blog, because at the very least you can be thankful you’re not any of these people.

(Unless one of these searches actually is yours. In which case I would suggest making a beeline for the nearest bar, because sometimes sobriety is overrated.)

“my computer just made a terrifying crunching noise”
Okay, so you remembered to keep the turkey bones safely away from your pets so they won’t choke, but you didn’t realize that your computer was sentient…and hungry. Rookie mistake. Your mechanical beastie got into the garbage and and now there’s chewed up bone and turkey drippings all over the motherboard. Distract your computer with Thanksgiving-themed cat gifs while you clean up the mess, then set a nice image of a holiday pie as the desktop background so it won’t be tempted to go back for dessert.

 

“vegan hipster”
This guy was eating Tofurky before it was cool. Technically anyone who’s ever eaten Tofurky can say that, hipster or not, because eating Tofurky has never been cool and never will be.

“nut all over me”
Okay, so you dropped the pecan pie. It’s now all down the front of your cute holiday apron. And somehow in your hair. And your ear. It’s okay. Just calmly excuse yourself and go take a hot shower with a bottle of bourbon. Everyone else has already had too much wine to really notice you’re gone. And the dog will gladly dispose of the pie bits on the floor in your absence.

“turn my son into a whore”
Whoa whoa whoa, you save that human trafficking talk for your Christmas letter to Santa, buster. Tom Turkey don’t grant no wishes.

“penis through monitor”
I know the holidays can be lonely sometimes, but I’m not sure you quite understand how cybersex works. Although you just gave all the ER docs and nurses who have to work on Thanksgiving a great story to tell their friends, so at least you can take some comfort in the fact that you’ve brought joy to others.

“I’m single but I act like I’m taken”
It’s okay. I know you’re sick of your family asking when you’re going to find “the one” already and settle down and get married. But just remember, that “my girlfriend lives in Canada” story is only going to hold up for so long. Better to simply dodge any relationship questions and deflect the attention onto someone else. Like your Uncle Randy, who showed up late for dinner walking kinda funny and muttering something about a computer monitor…

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American blog buddies. Have fun and stay safe.

A deep thought on a slow Tuesday.

Friends, if you’re ever tempted to make the old “I already have a dishwasher, it’s called my wife” joke, just remember that the person of whom you speak is surrounded by cleaning products, wearing rubber gloves, and quite possibly currently holding a knife or other sharp kitchen implement. Never sass a woman who has everything she needs handy to murder you and cover her tracks.

And suddenly this card takes on a whole new sinister meaning.

 

 

The Nut, a ventriloquist and a dummy walk into a bar…

Every time I start feeling like a well-adjusted, productive member of society, the powers that be roll up their sleeves and devise a new scheme to remind me that life is essentially one big ongoing joke, and I’m just one of its many punchlines.

Sometimes I lose my birth control pills to horny arachnids. Sometimes I get trapped in bathrooms at formal occasions. And sometimes, I’m just a plain ol’ dummy.

The Nut’s Unhelpful Instructables: How To Food

Are you struggling with a surplus of efficiency? Do you suffer long hours of boredom stemming from always doing things right the first time? Do you find yourself envious of those who needlessly overcomplicate everything, because they will never know the mental anguish of actually having to TRY to keep themselves occupied?

You’re in the right place.

Let’s get unproductive.

 

Today’s Topic: Feeding Yourself

1. Arrive home from work, tired and ravenous.

2. Drop purse and coat on floor, make beeline for fridge.

3. Open fridge door cautiously, checking for portals to parallel dimensions, Sumerian gods and/or their minions.

Remember, if someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes.

4. Consider the meal potential of several bruised gala apples, a tub of crumbled feta cheese, two wilted Swiss chard leaves, a tablespoon’s worth of tzatziki dip, a bottle of chocolate pumpkin beer, one egg, and the various ten thousand dressings and sauces that you have sitting in the fridge instead of any real food.

5. Close fridge.

6. Open cupboard.

7. Scan all the cans and packages that, if cleverly combined, could result in any number of perfectly good meals.

8. Take out half-full bag of white chocolate chips instead and stuff a handful into your mouth.

Because white chocolate’s not its own food group, but it should be.

9. Return bag to cupboard, close cupboard door.

10. Text husband whining about how hungry you are.

11. Read husband’s reply in which he makes several sensible meal suggestions.

12. Consider divorcing husband because he just doesn’t get you.

13. Decide to order take-out.

14. Peruse menus online for about 45 minutes, because growling stomach or no, you are the most indecisive person ever.

Still too many choices.

15. Finally settle on Chines- no, hang on, maybe a nice curry dish would be bett- or what about…

16. Another 20 minutes later, close internet browser.

17. Get up, put your coat back on and grab your purse.

18. Walk to the grocery store and buy real food.

Fact: all grocery bags must contain a baguette.

19. Proudly return home with your purchases.

20. Put away groceries and admire your now well-stocked fridge.

21. Close fridge door.

22. Open cupboard.

23. Retrieve bag of white chocolate chips and pour into a bowl.

24. Dinner is served.

 

How to trap The Nut, in one easy step.

I know you all think I’m pretty awesome and infallible by now (just play along, here) but contrary to what Nutty Hubby insists on telling everyone, I’m not perfect.

Yeah, I have trouble believing it too.

But just like Superman – and I’m not saying I’m Superman, but it’s true that Superman and I have never been seen in the same room at the same time, so make what you will of that – I have a weakness that can be exploited.

Are you ready? Are you prepared to learn the closely guarded secret scheme that is guaranteed to foil The Nut every time? It’s pretty easy, there’s only one step to follow.

• Step 1: Own a bathroom.

That’s it. I told you it was easy.