Being Canadian, it’s kind of weird going on the internet on a Thursday in November and seeing endless photos of golden turkeys, plentiful side dishes (ranging from delicious-looking to highly questionable) and freshly baked pies all over my Facebook and Twitter feeds. If you listen carefully towards the north, you can hear all the bemused Canucks scratching our heads, going “Didn’t we just do all this last month?”
American Thanksgiving isn’t a real thing, it’s just a bunch of Canadians having deja vu.— N for Nutella (@nuttytangents) November 21, 2014
But since everyone seems to be on a Thanksgiving thanks giving roll and I hate feeling left out, and because schadenfreude is the gift that keeps on giving, I thought I’d take this time to share a few of the recent search terms that have led to my blog, because at the very least you can be thankful you’re not any of these people.
(Unless one of these searches actually is yours. In which case I would suggest making a beeline for the nearest bar, because sometimes sobriety is overrated.)
“my computer just made a terrifying crunching noise”
Okay, so you remembered to keep the turkey bones safely away from your pets so they won’t choke, but you didn’t realize that your computer was sentient…and hungry. Rookie mistake. Your mechanical beastie got into the garbage and and now there’s chewed up bone and turkey drippings all over the motherboard. Distract your computer with Thanksgiving-themed cat gifs while you clean up the mess, then set a nice image of a holiday pie as the desktop background so it won’t be tempted to go back for dessert.
This guy was eating Tofurky before it was cool. Technically anyone who’s ever eaten Tofurky can say that, hipster or not, because eating Tofurky has never been cool and never will be.
“nut all over me”
Okay, so you dropped the pecan pie. It’s now all down the front of your cute holiday apron. And somehow in your hair. And your ear. It’s okay. Just calmly excuse yourself and go take a hot shower with a bottle of bourbon. Everyone else has already had too much wine to really notice you’re gone. And the dog will gladly dispose of the pie bits on the floor in your absence.
“turn my son into a whore”
Whoa whoa whoa, you save that human trafficking talk for your Christmas letter to Santa, buster. Tom Turkey don’t grant no wishes.
“penis through monitor”
I know the holidays can be lonely sometimes, but I’m not sure you quite understand how cybersex works. Although you just gave all the ER docs and nurses who have to work on Thanksgiving a great story to tell their friends, so at least you can take some comfort in the fact that you’ve brought joy to others.
“I’m single but I act like I’m taken”
It’s okay. I know you’re sick of your family asking when you’re going to find “the one” already and settle down and get married. But just remember, that “my girlfriend lives in Canada” story is only going to hold up for so long. Better to simply dodge any relationship questions and deflect the attention onto someone else. Like your Uncle Randy, who showed up late for dinner walking kinda funny and muttering something about a computer monitor…
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American blog buddies. Have fun and stay safe.