Christmas decor and the stuff of nightbears.

The Nut House has officially been Noëlified. Lights, baubles, action!

As I was putting up the lights, I discovered that the small string that customarily goes around our equally small bedroom window has finally decked its last hall, so to speak, so I stopped by the hardware store to grab a new one. While I was there, I figured it couldn’t hurt to grab a nice new long set to replace the several ancient shorter ones I’d cobbled together in past holiday seasons to go around our large living room window.

It was a good idea. Trouble was, I’d forgotten that I’d already had the same good idea last year (this is why you take full inventory of things before running out to buy stuff), making me now the proud owner of two nice long sets of lights but only one large living room window.

Ah, yes, it’s all coming back to me now. How I triumphantly cannibalized the ratty old small strings for spare bulbs with which to replace all the burnt out ones keeping my artificial tree from lighting up.

There were only five non-working bulbs on the tree this year. A vast improvement over last year’s…oh, I don’t know…ALL OF THEM. Still, the tree always insists on having its little quirks. Even with all the faulty bulbs replaced, the bottom half stubbornly refused to light up for a good minute.

Then I either breathed on it in a way it liked or else the phrase “goddammit you needy fucking tree WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” holds some kind of arcane power when shouted at faux evergreens because the tree suddenly decided it was glow time and I didn’t need to throttle it after all.

Meanwhile, I’m fairly certain my elderly recluse of a next door neighbor uses the appearance of my wreath to determine when to put up his own, because every year without fail his goes up on the door exactly one day after mine.  Which I find kind of sweet, except, just like every year, there’s this small wayward piece of faded curling ribbon dangling from the bottom of his that is entirely out of place and drives me batty.

Is Neighbor Hermit blind? Does he not own scissors? I want so badly to snip it that little eyesore ribbon off. I feel like I’d be doing him a favor. Except for all I know he likes it that way or purposely leaves it there for some other reason, and who am I to mess with his status quo? It’s the holidays. There will be peace and tolerance and goodwill to all, even if I have to go quietly mad to make it happen.

Actually, I lied. There will be peace and tolerance and goodwill to everyone except this fucking bear:

I had to buy a replacement headlight bulb over the weekend and I saw this monstrosity threatening Nutty Hubby and I from the window of Home Depot as we passed by on our way to Canadian Tire.

I’m sure whoever designed this plush robotic nightmarebear was trying to make it look like he wants a hug, but if that’s their idea of a hug then I feel really bad for all their friends and loved ones because this bear looks more like it’s ready to fucking rumble.

Even Nutty Hubby, lover of all things horror, stopped in his tracks and was like, “Jesus, do these people hate children?”

Hush little baby, don’t you cry
Beary’s gonna punch you right in the eye
And if that doesn’t make you sleep
Beary’s gonna kill your family!

Better act fast, friends. Only 20 shopping days left to get your very own Robo Murder Bear before Christmas!

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12 thoughts on “Christmas decor and the stuff of nightbears.

  1. This…”There will be peace and tolerance and goodwill to all, even if I have to go quietly mad to make it happen.” I love it and totally know what you mean. Any time I see a teeny, tiny wreath on a gigantic window or door it makes me insane. Or when the people who insist on using blinking lights don’t make sure they blink in time with one another (to be fair, I don’t even know if that is possible – but it should be).

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  2. Most years we have an open house on Christmas Day. I cook up a random assortment of mainly dessert stuff and whoever comes comes. Those years, I decorate. This year … we’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at a friend’s house, and the invitation came before I’d done cleaning up after my cookie party so of course I said yes. So NO TREE. NO DECORATIONS. Grandkids are all grown up. And I wish I could say I felt sad about it, but I just don’t … I’ll be happy if my house is clean and peaceful, and I’ll go to church, and we’ll probably take a drive through the lit up neighborhoods – not our neighborhood – we’re out in the boondocks at the end of a private road; nobody does anything fancy here … except for the one guy up the hill who strings bright red lights up around about five acres of fields and corrals every single Thanksgiving weekend, through Christmas. It’s nice that he does that, because we can feel Christmassy but not have to bother.

    No, I’m not a Grinch. I love Christmas. I guess I’m just old, or something. In the absence of visiting kids, I couldn’t be bothered.

    No find your scissors and go snip off that little dangly bit from your neighbor’s decorations, for crying out loud! He’s probably just sloppy and won’t notice either way.

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    • I can’t not decorate for Christmas. The glow and glitter of my home all done up for the holidays is something I look forward to all year. I do it for me, because I like it, so it doesn’t feel like a chore.

      But it used to feel like one, back when I lived with my parents and we hosted holiday dinners and everything had to be JUST SO because god forbid Nana sees a napkin holder out of place or a speck of dust beneath the cedar boughs on the mantel. That was just exhausting.

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  3. Christmas lights have been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. I’m constantly buying replacements, testing them 3 times in various outlets before I display them and the bastards still manage to die on me after I go to all the trouble of setting them up in the -20 wind chill. I’ve had reindeer with no heads, wreaths with no bows, stars with no points, trees with dark middles, and one funky year… an alligator with no tail. It’s enough to make you want to dive into the bowl of egg nog and drown yourself.

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  4. I love Christmas decorating! A few years ago, we got these special lights from a small craft store that can be programmed, so we have them set to glow on and off in this really pretty way, and so far they’ve lasted without ever having to replace a bulb.

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    • I do love the lasting power of the newer lights they have available these days, but I also have a strong nostalgic attachment to the old easily burnt out incandescents. They have that perfect warm glow that makes me feel happy and cozy and basically brainwashes me into being okay with replacing a million bulbs every year.

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  5. I, too, am guilty of forgetting that I bought lights last year–hence the number of bush nets I have. Ugh. None in the same shade of white or colors. It’s a hodgepodge holiday:). Best of luck with your mismatched sets!

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    • My parents used to use net lights on the long boxwood hedge lining their driveway. Every year at least one or two nets would stop working entirely and Dad would have to go out and buy new ones, and he could almost never find the same ones twice. Always drove me crazy seeing the odd net that was just that slight bit cooler/warmer of a shade of white than the others.

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