Liquid banana bread and the disappearance of everything good in this world.

Every year I wait for the local drugstore to bring in its annual quota of holiday teas. The particular brand they stock every winter (and only ever bring in for the winter) offers flavors like Almond Biscotti and Carrot Cake and Black Forest Cupcake, and the best part is that the teas actually live up to their names when brewed, which is something that can be hit or miss for novelty store-bought sachets.

Anyway, there’s this one tea called Banana Cinnamon Spice which is basically banana bread in a cup and I love it and adore it and buy twenty billion boxes of it every December.

Every December except this one.

My liquid banana bread is nowhere to be found.

Because anything Nutty loves has to be taken away. It’s the law. Nutty likes it? Not allowed. Discontinue that shit. Nutty wants to buy it? Oooh, sorry, we don’t carry that product at this location anymore; have you tried Ontario or Nova Scotia?

This is why I stockpile. Nutty Hubby used to laugh at me for hoarding products I was afraid would be taken away too soon to that great big retail space in the sky, but then he began to see firsthand why it was necessary.

There was the piña colada flavored drink I loved that used to be sold in every convenience store in the city. First my regular store stopped carrying it, then my alternates, then even the little specialty hole-in-the-wall places that sold shit like bacon and celery soda quit stocking it. Nutty Hubby managed to find me two last bottles of it in a store by his work, and then that was that.

I am a curse on menus. If I like a restaurant dish enough to order it more than once, they’ll either change it beyond recognition or stop offering it altogether. I have been the killing blow for an unacceptable number of Nutty Hubby’s and my favorite appetizers. I have wiped some of the best entrees in the city out of existence. I am become death, destroyer of unique and flavorful side dishes.

One time I thought I lucked out. One of my favorite salmon dishes got a makeover, and for once I absolutely loved everything they changed.

They changed it back almost immediately.

I have been the harbinger of doom for countless hair products, bath products, makeup items, and candy flavors.

And now my tea is gone.

I had a minor panic attack last night at the liquor store thinking my most prized holiday beer (Whistler Brewing’s Winter Dunkel, if anyone was curious) had peaced out on me too, but luckily they had just changed the packaging a bit – and by “a bit” I mean it now comes in little dwarf bottle four-packs instead of the massive single bottles you used to be able to use as a defensive weapon in the event that anybody tried to take them away from you – so it wasn’t immediately recognizable. But I found it in the end.

Sadly, change of any kind has usually signaled the beginning of the end where it involves most beverages I have loved and lost, so I guess I’d better drink every bottle of this year’s haul as if it were my last. Because for all I know, it might be.


Every so often, though, miracles do happen. Remember how I’m a hoarder?

Guess what I found buried at the back of my tea cupboard when I got home? (Yes, I have a tea cupboard, don’t fucking judge me.)

Paranoid Hoarder Nutty to the rescue!

This needed celebrating. With tea.

I put the kettle on. I set out my favorite mug. The water bubbled; the Nut poured; the tea steeped. And then    a little milk, a little sugar, a little Evan Williams, and…ahhh, liquid banana perfection.

 

…what? You don’t put whiskey in your tea?

Pfft. More for me, then.

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15 thoughts on “Liquid banana bread and the disappearance of everything good in this world.

    • Oh no! I haven’t closed down any wineries…yet. Probably because there are about a jillion wines out there and I insist on always trying new ones instead of just sticking to the same few classics.

      But someday, when I’m old and set in my ways…mark my words, it’s gonna happen.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. And here I thought I was the harbinger of doom for killing off products! Glad to know I’m not alone. Although, if anyone is going to kill off a winery it will be me – I have a favorite (not gonna name it because I don’t want to call The Fates attention to it).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You – are – not – alone. Pumpkin cream cheese muffins at Starbucks. I lived for them. I waited for 11 months of the year for them to reappear. Nada. Replaced with some maple concoction.
    Peppermint candies filled with peppermint soft filling. Harder and harder to find each holiday season. They are MIA too.
    I hadn’t thought of blaming myself for their disappearance but here goes!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I used to love the pumpkin scones at Starbucks. Giant, fluffy and perfect, with soft icing and a spiced drizzle. Now they’re half the size, rock hard and the icing tastes artificial as all hell. I almost wish they had just gotten rid of them; at least then they wouldn’t be in my face flaunting their inferiority to my old favorites.

      They also got rid of their caramel apple bar years ago, which was absolute magic and, you guessed it, my favorite thing on their menu.

      And I feel ya on the peppermint candies. My favorites did a disappearing act this year too.

      Like

  3. I had a favourite cheese, and it disppeared from shops because of course it did. But! Recently it has reappeared! But only in big wheels that are not remotely suitable for my household size.

    So now we eat a lot of cheese.

    (I am sad for you losing the tea because I love tea, but also not sad for you because I loathe banana anything. End result is a kind of ambivalence. Nothing personal. Blame bananas. I find you usually can.)

    Liked by 1 person

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