Conversations of the one-sided kind.

conversation
noun
1. An informal talk involving two people or a small group of people. – Merriam-Webster¹
2. Or involving me, myself, and whatever inanimate object or other entity lacking the ability to speak I might still feel the pressing need to have words with. – The Nut

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“I’m sorry,” I tell the mosquito on the bathroom mirror as I pull a tissue from its box.

“Really. Nothing personal, buddy. I know you’re a dude and you’re not going to bite me like those annoying whiny womenfolk of your species do…”

His feathery antennae twitch hopefully.

“…but you’re still 50% of the problem,” I continue, as his world goes dark.

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“Bookmark, you are not on the correct page. Who put you here?”

It flicks its tassel at me coquettishly but otherwise gives away nothing.

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“No, Windows 10, I will not be upgrading to you on my home computer any time soon. Note to self: Google how to disable these reminders.”

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“Hey DJ. HEY DJ. HEY DOUCHEBAG. Oh, finally got your attention, huh? Now can I practice that move I wanted to ten moves ago? Oh wait, I can’t, because SOMEONE WASN’T FUCKING LISTENING THEN AND NOW IT’S TOO LATE.”

I catch Nutty Hubby shaking with silent laughter as I berate Dance Central Spotlight’s mentally challenged AI for the fifty-ninth time.

“NOT A WORD IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.”

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It is morning. The engine of my aging Jetta shudders to life reluctantly.

“I know, girl, I know,” I sigh. “Let’s just take it slow and we’ll get through this day together.”

I pat the steering wheel affectionately. She purrs in gratitude.

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“Oh my god, Windows 10, again? Enough with this. It’s not going to happen. Note to self: Google how to disable these reminders.”

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“Well hello, spider. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be back to Swiffer you away in a- OH GOD YOU CAN FLY SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT- wait, WHERE’D YOU GO?! Holy jizzballs, please tell me I’m blind and you’re a just a bug that looks like a spider and not actually a flying spider, because I have enough to deal with tonight. Note to self: FIRE. LOTS AND LOTS OF FIRE.”

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“Hello cake. You are pretty. I’m going to eat you now.”

The cake makes no indication of protest. It is submissive and delicious.

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“Jesus Pancake-Flipping Christ, Windows 10, I said NO!”

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“You know,” I tell my reflection, as we absentmindedly poke and prod at our twin cake-filled stomachs, “sometimes I think we’re really not quite right in the head.”

She smiles.

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Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter C, the number 10, and the Sometimes The Conversation Is More Pleasant When They Can’t Answer Back Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

¹ “conversation.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2016. Web. 3 April 2016.