This post is the tits.

boob
noun
1. A woman’s breast.Cambridge Dictionaries Online1
2. A sexy nuisance. – The Nut


Boobs are weird.

I mean, I understand the appeal of them, but at the same time I don’t understand the appeal of them.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve watched a woman go by and thought, “Wow, great tits,” followed immediately by, “Wait, what does that even mean?

Seriously. They’re suspended lumps of fatty tissue and milk-making machinery. If you saw one sitting by itself on a table minding its own business you’d be like, “What the… are they doing another a remake of The Blob? Is this an alien? Uh, hi little fella, did you want me to take you to our leader?”

But stick a pair of big cans on a gal and cram her into a low-cut dress, and suddenly every onlooker’s a goddamn cartoon cliché.

I just don’t get it. Even though I kinda do.

I have a love-hate relationship with my boobs. On the one hand, they’re some pretty nice boobs, if I do say so myself. Lord knows my husband’s a fan.

But Jesus Motorboating Chanandler Bong, could they be any more of a bother?

Me: “Welp, guess I should hit the gym.”
Chesty La Rue & Busty St. Clair: “Ooh, is it bouncy time again already?”
Me: “Nice try, ladies, but that’s what this sports bra is for.”
C. La Rue & B. St. Clair: *exchange glances, burst into maniacal laughter*

Me: *minding my own business*
C. La Rue: “I’m bored.”
B. St. Clair: “Me too.”
C. La Rue: “Let’s suddenly ache for no reason. Like, a lot.”
B. St. Clair: “Dude, you always have the breast ideas.”
C. La Rue: “LOL I see what you did there. Anyway, on 3?”
B. St. Clair: “Sure. 1…”
C. La Rue: “2…”
Me: “OW! Son of a whorebiscuit, WHY?”
C. La Rue & B. St. Clair: *dissolve into hysterical giggles*

C. La Rue, age 13: “When I grow up, I wanna be a D cup.”
B. St. Clair, age 13: “I dunno, that sounds like a lot of work. I think I’d rather stop at a C.”
C. La Rue: “Dude, we can’t be different sizes.”
B. St. Clair: “Why not?”
C. La Rue: “Well DUH, because…uh…because… Huh. You know, I don’t know. What the heck; go ahead, knock yourself out. Be the C you want to be. And I’ll be your big sister!”

Me, bra shopping at age 32: “You’re both dead to me.”


Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter B, the number 2, and the My Eyes Are Up Here Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

1 “boob.” dictionary.cambridge.org. Cambridge Dictionaries Online, 2016. Web. 2 April 2016.

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24 thoughts on “This post is the tits.

  1. I can’t stop laughing …. because uhhh, yeah, hate to break it to ya, it’s all downhill anyhow …. so be prepared for the really wild and whacky stuff that befalls the boobs later in life 😉

    great post and good luck on the A-Z 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • roflmbo ….. well, as long as things are …. er under control, as much as possible, and it works for you, then, well …. we do the best we can …. 😉 personally I let the decline and fall of the empire begin when I was 16 …. and now 30 years later …. well, hey, it’s whatever it is 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so glad you tackled this bosomy subject – someone had to do it! But I have fallen behind in naming my mammary appendages as you have done. Sorry to hear about your lopsided condition – maybe you could tattoo a happy face on one of them?

    This curse is one for the books too – Jesus Motorboating Chanandler Bong. Gonna have to use that one myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Even as a guy I can’t explain the appeal, but I knew a woman who said she had her best orgasms without being even touched below the waist.
    I felt kind of envious but then I read this and think, yeah, everything’s a trade-off.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are hilarious!!! I love this! And, the tags you included were just awesome. Too, too, too funny. I’m liking this A to Z challenge you’re doing! So, every single day you have to post something? On one hand I’m tempted to join in, but on the other hand we’re going away next week and I can pretty much guarantee I won’t be able to keep up. Argh. Anyway, I’ve loved A and B’s entries and can’t wait for the rest. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Every day in April except Sundays, generally. If you click the A to Z 2016 badge in my sidebar it’ll take you to the website where you can find a full explanation of the challenge. It’s a lot of fun, but also a lot of work and tough to do on short notice, so you’re probably right to skip it this time around. But definitely keep it in mind for next year!

      Like

  5. Gotta enjoy someone else who writes about boobies! Mine were never deal makers to begin with, then my children sucked the life out what I had, and when they turned on me, I couldn’t get rid of them fast enough. Your tags are magnificent!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You are hilarious! And how is it that I can have the tiniest boobs on the planet, but they’ll still bounce around like basketballs when I run if I don’t wear exactly the right sports bra?

    I swear I could have a sag contest with any of those Natl. Geographic tribal divas, who have never had the pleasure of strapping on an actual bra, and win every time.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: The Nut’s New Fashion Laws | Spoken Like A True Nut

  8. Pingback: Letters to my miscellaneous anatomy. | Spoken Like A True Nut

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