This post is the tits.

boob
noun
1. A woman’s breast. – Cambridge Dictionaries Online¹
2. A sexy nuisance. – The Nut

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Boobs are weird.

I mean, I understand the appeal of them, but at the same time I don’t understand the appeal of them.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve watched a woman go by and thought, “Wow, great tits,” followed immediately by, “Wait, what does that even mean?”

Seriously. They’re suspended lumps of fatty tissue and milk-making machinery. If you saw one sitting by itself on a table minding its own business you’d be like, “What the… are they doing another a remake of The Blob? Is this an alien? Uh, hi little fella, did you want me to take you to our leader?”

But stick a pair of big cans on a gal and cram her into a low-cut dress, and suddenly every onlooker’s a goddamn cartoon cliché.

I just don’t get it. Even though I kinda do.

I have a love-hate relationship with my boobs. On the one hand, they’re some pretty nice boobs, if I do say so myself. Lord knows my husband’s a fan.

But Jesus Motorboating Chanandler Bong, could they be any more of a bother?

Me: “Welp, guess I should hit the gym.”
Chesty La Rue & Busty St. Clair: “Ooh, is it bouncy time again already?”
Me: “Nice try, ladies, but that’s what this sports bra is for.”
C. La Rue & B. St. Clair: *exchange glances, burst into maniacal laughter*

Me: *minding my own business*
C. La Rue: “I’m bored.”
B. St. Clair: “Me too.”
C. La Rue: “Let’s suddenly ache for no reason. Like, a lot.”
B. St. Clair: “Dude, you always have the breast ideas.”
C. La Rue: “LOL I see what you did there. Anyway, on 3?”
B. St. Clair: “Sure. 1…”
C. La Rue: “2…”
Me: “OW! Son of a whorebiscuit, WHY?”
C. La Rue & B. St. Clair: *dissolve into hysterical giggles*

C. La Rue, age 13: “When I grow up, I wanna be a D cup.”
B. St. Clair, age 13: “I dunno, that sounds like a lot of work. I think I’d rather stop at a C.”
C. La Rue: “Dude, we can’t be different sizes.”
B. St. Clair: “Why not?”
C. La Rue: “Well DUH, because…uh…because… Huh. You know, I don’t know. What the heck; go ahead, knock yourself out. Be the C you want to be. And I’ll be your big sister!”

Me, bra shopping at age 32: “You’re both dead to me.”

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Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter B, the number 2, and the My Eyes Are Up Here Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

¹ “boob.” dictionary.cambridge.org. Cambridge Dictionaries Online, 2016. Web. 2 April 2016.

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