1. An informal talk involving two people or a small group of people. – Merriam-Webster1
2. Or involving me, myself, and whatever inanimate object or other entity lacking the ability to speak I might still feel the pressing need to have words with. – The Nut
“I’m sorry,” I tell the mosquito on the bathroom mirror as I pull a tissue from its box.
“Really. Nothing personal, buddy. I know you’re a dude and you’re not going to bite me like those annoying whiny womenfolk of your species do…”
His feathery antennae twitch hopefully.
“…but you’re still 50% of the problem,” I continue, as his world goes dark.
“Bookmark, you are not on the correct page. Who put you here?”
It flicks its tassel at me coquettishly but otherwise gives away nothing.
“No, Windows 10, I will not be upgrading to you on my home computer any time soon. Note to self: Google how to disable these reminders.”
“Hey DJ. HEY DJ. HEY DOUCHEBAG. Oh, finally got your attention, huh? Now can I practice that move I wanted to ten moves ago? Oh wait, I can’t, because SOMEONE WASN’T FUCKING LISTENING THEN AND NOW IT’S TOO LATE.”
I catch Nutty Hubby shaking with silent laughter as I berate Dance Central Spotlight’s mentally challenged AI for the fifty-ninth time.
“NOT A WORD IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.”
It is morning. The engine of my aging Jetta shudders to life reluctantly.
“I know, girl, I know,” I sigh. “Let’s just take it slow and we’ll get through this day together.”
I pat the steering wheel affectionately. She purrs in gratitude.
“Oh my god, Windows 10, again? Enough with this. It’s not going to happen. Note to self: Google how to disable these reminders.”
“Well hello, spider. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be back to Swiffer you away in a- OH GOD YOU CAN FLY SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT- wait, WHERE’D YOU GO?! Holy jizzballs, please tell me I’m blind and you’re a just a bug that looks like a spider and not actually a flying spider, because I have enough to deal with tonight. Note to self: FIRE. LOTS AND LOTS OF FIRE.”
“Hello cake. You are pretty. I’m going to eat you now.”
The cake makes no indication of protest. It is submissive and delicious.
“Jesus Pancake-Flipping Christ, Windows 10, I said NO!”
“You know,” I tell my reflection, as we absentmindedly poke and prod at our twin cake-filled stomachs, “sometimes I think we’re really not quite right in the head.”
Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter C, the number 10, and the Sometimes The Conversation Is More Pleasant When They Can’t Answer Back Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.
1 “conversation.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2016. Web. 3 April 2016.