How to commit sustainable homicide.

For the life of me I can’t remember what I was searching for on my phone the other day.

All I know is I began with “how”, and then this shit happened:

You might say the results *puts on sunglasses* jumped the gun a little.

*raises hand* Um, hi, yes? I have a new question: WHY?

Not about the tie or the slime (although I will admit I put a mental question mark beside the slime as I was as yet unaware of the borax-fueled goop storm currently engulfing the nation’s children), the other one. The murderer thing.

Funny story, most people want to get away from murderers, not with them.

So naturally I took a screenshot before continuing with my own search, because we all know I have problems with letting stuff go and if I didn’t resume overthinking the matter later I would have considered it a missed opportunity for the rest of my life.

Anyway, here’s what my overthinking cap and I came up with.

Possible Explanation #1: Searcher really wanted to Google both How To Get Away With Murder and Making A Murderer but was super indecisive about which one to search for first and just ended up Googling the most convenient hybrid of both. Verdict: Too logical; dislike.

Possible Explanation #2: Searcher knows someone who committed a murder and is about to flee the country. Searcher doesn’t want to turn murderer in but is worried about being charged as an accessory if they stay behind and therefore wants to know how to accompany murderer in the whole fleeing process. Verdict: Unless you have really shitty – and I mean really shitty – communication skills, shouldn’t this be something you discuss with the murderer you’re trying to flee with, since of the two of you, they seem to be the one with the most experience with this whole crime dealie? Assuming you do, in fact, know the murderer…you’re not trying to flee with some killer you’ve Rear Window-ed and never actually met, are you? WTF? RUN, MURDERER, RUN!

Possible Explanation #3: Searcher is dating/married to a murderer and wants to plan a surprise vacation with them at a hotel like the one in John Wick where they can relax and be free to talk all about their murderings in polite company and not have to worry about leaving in handcuffs…at least, not involuntarily so. *wink wink nudge nudge* Verdict: Okay, that’s actually pretty darn thoughtful. Granted, places like that probably don’t typically advertise online, but it’s the thought that counts, right? That murderer is one lucky guy or gal. Carry on, lovebirds!


On a related note, I thought I’d share a conversation I overheard a while back which grabbed my attention, because conversations about hypothetical murder plots are kind of attention-grabbing like that.

“Fuck no. I wouldn’t waste a bullet on him.”

“Uh, why not? It’s the easiest way. One bullet, problem solved!”

“Think about that poor little bullet. Someone made that bullet. Someone lovingly designed and crafted and spent time on that pretty little bullet. And you’re going to waste it on an asshole like him?”

“Well…”

“Now, a 2×4, that’s reusable. Sturdy, dependable…gives a nice satisfying *WHACK*. You can’t go wrong with a 2×4.”

“Yeah, but then you have a sturdy, dependable, bloodstained 2×4.”

“That’s what paint is for, dummy.”

Someone tell Pantone I have an idea for their next color of the year.

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13 thoughts on “How to commit sustainable homicide.

  1. When I read “how to get a way with a murderer” several humorous thoughts leapt to mind. Then I kept reading and you pretty much covered them all. Thanks for taking all my comment fodder, also, good job. Laughed my ass off.

    Can’t help but wonder where you were hanging out to overhear that conversation? Prison yard?

    On an unrelated note, I saw Rodgers is your cell phone provider and I assume you are Canadian? Probably should have figured that out before now, but paying attention is not really my strong suit. What was I talking about? Oh yea, my wife is Canadian but I kidnapped her from Vancouver and brought her to the States. She was not willing to get away with a murderer but seemed fine getting away with a kidnapper.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, 100% pure Canuck, and from Vancouver too. I’d tut-tut at you for stealing your wife away from us except honestly I wish a lot more people around here would get kidnapped elsewhere because maybe then I might actually be able to buy a goddamn house in this city.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Until now, I’d always thought that Google search was based on popularity. The most popular searches get highlighted, or something like that. But now, now my worst fears have been realized.

    Google can read our minds and tells us what we need to know before we even ask. That’s a whole lot scarier than trying to get away with murder. Right? 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. u don’t need ? to here this, but I thought this post was a bit above “normal talentedness” — verging on superlative, even. ’nuff of that. I need to chuckle, which you embued (or izzit “imbued”?) liberally through-out, interwoven betwixt awl the succinct-yet-powerfull werdz. and now that I have your attention, if not at least uh liddle bit of annoyance, i’ll re-post a comment I left with our friend, “farSIGHED-uv-(abby)normal”, as she ended one of our back&forths with “i’ll now be quiet” — and I replied:

    no ~ pleez don’t be kwy-ett, espeshullee now. you can and have and do cheer me up — esesh cuzza thingies uv wreesent. like: YESTERDAY (!?!?) we (spouse&i) went to the dentist. She, of much more lax dental-praktissess than I, got an “A” grade and told to come back “next regular.”

    The hygienist then tortured me FOR AN HOUR (don’t tell anybody, espesh my wife, but I partly got thru’ it by continually trying to imagine the hygienist as NAKeD) — and …. (drumroll4M-fa-sis/trumpetz blaringring): given (no kidding) FOUR MORE FOLLOW-UP VISITS to occur “in the near future”. She (hygienist) better be naked when I go back …

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wonderful thing I learned today: being “Rear Window-ed” is now a verb, although not nearly as pleasant as someone unfamiliar with Hitchcock films might think. I’m just saying it sounds like it could be a euphemism but given the context it’s probably better that it isn’t.
    The same is true of “Hitchcock”.
    Also thinking of the poor bullet reminded me of a guy I knew in high school who wrote a short story about a baby being born, sliding down the birth canal, and turning into the bullet that killed John Lennon.
    Even if he didn’t become a murderer I’m glad I got away from him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think we all knew someone like that in high school. The kind of person that made you go, “Ooookayyyyy then…” and scootch as far away from them as you could without being obvious about it. And years later you still half expect to see their name come up in the news.

      There are some strange minds out there in the world.

      Liked by 1 person

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