How to commit sustainable homicide.

For the life of me I can’t remember what I was searching for on my phone the other day.

All I know is I began with “how”, and then this shit happened:

You might say the results *puts on sunglasses* jumped the gun a little.

*raises hand* Um, hi, yes? I have a new question: WHY?

Not about the tie or the slime (although I will admit I put a mental question mark beside the slime as I was as yet unaware of the borax-fueled goop storm currently engulfing the nation’s children), the other one. The murderer thing.

Funny story, most people want to get away from murderers, not with them.

So naturally I took a screenshot before continuing with my own search, because we all know I have problems with letting stuff go and if I didn’t resume overthinking the matter later I would have considered it a missed opportunity for the rest of my life.

Anyway, here’s what my overthinking cap and I came up with.

Possible Explanation #1: Searcher really wanted to Google both How To Get Away With Murder and Making A Murderer but was super indecisive about which one to search for first and just ended up Googling the most convenient hybrid of both. Verdict: Too logical; dislike.

Possible Explanation #2: Searcher knows someone who committed a murder and is about to flee the country. Searcher doesn’t want to turn murderer in but is worried about being charged as an accessory if they stay behind and therefore wants to know how to accompany murderer in the whole fleeing process. Verdict: Unless you have really shitty – and I mean really shitty – communication skills, shouldn’t this be something you discuss with the murderer you’re trying to flee with, since of the two of you, they seem to be the one with the most experience with this whole crime dealie? Assuming you do, in fact, know the murderer…you’re not trying to flee with some killer you’ve Rear Window-ed and never actually met, are you? WTF? RUN, MURDERER, RUN!

Possible Explanation #3: Searcher is dating/married to a murderer and wants to plan a surprise vacation with them at a hotel like the one in John Wick where they can relax and be free to talk all about their murderings in polite company and not have to worry about leaving in handcuffs…at least, not involuntarily so. *wink wink nudge nudge* Verdict: Okay, that’s actually pretty darn thoughtful. Granted, places like that probably don’t typically advertise online, but it’s the thought that counts, right? That murderer is one lucky guy or gal. Carry on, lovebirds!


On a related note, I thought I’d share a conversation I overheard a while back which grabbed my attention, because conversations about hypothetical murder plots are kind of attention-grabbing like that.

“Fuck no. I wouldn’t waste a bullet on him.”

“Uh, why not? It’s the easiest way. One bullet, problem solved!”

“Think about that poor little bullet. Someone made that bullet. Someone lovingly designed and crafted and spent time on that pretty little bullet. And you’re going to waste it on an asshole like him?”

“Well…”

“Now, a 2×4, that’s reusable. Sturdy, dependable…gives a nice satisfying *WHACK*. You can’t go wrong with a 2×4.”

“Yeah, but then you have a sturdy, dependable, bloodstained 2×4.”

“That’s what paint is for, dummy.”

Someone tell Pantone I have an idea for their next color of the year.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Advertisements