So you’ve forgotten your one year blogiversary.

Step 1: Don’t Panic.

Okay, maybe panic a little. Or a lot. Grab your towel. You know where your towel is, don’t you?

Step 2: Apologize.

Dear Blog, I has a sad because I forgotzors ur birthday.

Step 3: Apologize like you mean it, asshole.

You can’t tell me what to do.

Step 4: Continue being an asshole while your blog quietly weeps and plots revenge.

Are you- you’re not really- oh for fuck’s sake…c’mere, you. Give me a hug. I’m sorry, really.

Step 5: Make restitution.

Here, have a cookie. Blogs love cookies.

Step 6: Make better restitution.

Beers all around!

Step 7: Make decidedly-hazardous-to-your-remaining-brain-cells restitution.

Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all around!

Step 8: Make a drunken and ultimately regrettable speech.

“Lishen up, everrone. SHHHHHHHHHHH. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I jusht wanted to shay *hic* happy *hic* belated birthday to the…*hic*…to the…the besht gosh darn blurrggggg everrrrrrrrr!!!1!#%!! *sobs into drink* I love you, man. I love you.”

Bartender: “Who’s she talking to? We’ve been closed for a half hour.”

Busboy: “The jukebox, looks like.”

Step 9: Sober up, invent time machine, return to May 29th, celebrate blogiversary on time to eliminate need for belated regrettable speech and ensuing hangover.

…OR more likely fuck up, go further back in time than intended, step on a stupid fucking butterfly and doom humanity.

Step 10: Fuck that noise.

Because A Sound of Thunder was bad enough the first time.

Step 11: Thank your readers for being awesome… (Psst: You’re awesome!)

…after you’ve spent a while marveling yet again over the fact that you actually have readers.

Step 12: Give yourself a pat on the back and a phony award.

Go ahead. You’re worth it.