You sick bastards.

Hi.

I’m only in the office for two days this week but I’m not even halfway through Day 1 and I’m already losing the will to live.

TO THE INTERWEBS!

After I wrote my 12 Days of Nutmas post, it got me thinking. What would people be searching for on the actual birthday of Jeebus? Would there be peace? Would there be good will toward men? Or would there just be more of the usual achy assholes and chocolate funbags?

Thanks to a quick look at my blog’s associated search queries for Christmas Day, the results are in.

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Friday Fa La La La La La

Google Webmaster Tools is the gift that keeps on giving…me nightmares about what weird-ass things people have been searching that lead to my blog.

It was a bit of a challenge to slog through all the recent search terms to find a dozen which were amusing yet short enough to fit this carol, but I persevered for you, dear readers, since the holidays are all about togetherness and sharing. So let’s all join hands and sing a rousing chorus of…

The Twelve Days of Nutmas Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Google gave to me:
Twelve horny convos,
Eleven trampoline dicks,
Ten achy assholes,
Nine pickled peckers,
Eight chocolate funbags,
Seven penis cancers,
Six butchered gardens,
Five boring socks!
Four pap smear photos,
Three spider whores,
Two ebola poes,
And a vegan hipster in a nut tree!

This is fun. What shall I mangle next?

Me: “I’m going on the naughty list, aren’t I?” Santa: “Yep.”