The Nut’s Unhelpful Instructables: How To Food

Are you struggling with a surplus of efficiency? Do you suffer long hours of boredom stemming from always doing things right the first time? Do you find yourself envious of those who needlessly overcomplicate everything, because they will never know the mental anguish of actually having to TRY to keep themselves occupied?

You’re in the right place.

Let’s get unproductive.


Today’s Topic: Feeding Yourself

1. Arrive home from work, tired and ravenous.

2. Drop purse and coat on floor, make beeline for fridge.

3. Open fridge door cautiously, checking for portals to parallel dimensions, Sumerian gods and/or their minions.

Remember, if someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes.

4. Consider the meal potential of several bruised gala apples, a tub of crumbled feta cheese, two wilted Swiss chard leaves, a tablespoon’s worth of tzatziki dip, a bottle of chocolate pumpkin beer, one egg, and the various ten thousand dressings and sauces that you have sitting in the fridge instead of any real food.

5. Close fridge.

6. Open cupboard.

7. Scan all the cans and packages that, if cleverly combined, could result in any number of perfectly good meals.

8. Take out half-full bag of white chocolate chips instead and stuff a handful into your mouth.

Because white chocolate’s not its own food group, but it should be.

9. Return bag to cupboard, close cupboard door.

10. Text husband whining about how hungry you are.

11. Read husband’s reply in which he makes several sensible meal suggestions.

12. Consider divorcing husband because he just doesn’t get you.

13. Decide to order take-out.

14. Peruse menus online for about 45 minutes, because growling stomach or no, you are the most indecisive person ever.

Still too many choices.

15. Finally settle on Chines- no, hang on, maybe a nice curry dish would be bett- or what about…

16. Another 20 minutes later, close internet browser.

17. Get up, put your coat back on and grab your purse.

18. Walk to the grocery store and buy real food.

Fact: all grocery bags must contain a baguette.

19. Proudly return home with your purchases.

20. Put away groceries and admire your now well-stocked fridge.

21. Close fridge door.

22. Open cupboard.

23. Retrieve bag of white chocolate chips and pour into a bowl.

24. Dinner is served.


Eeny meeny miney…d’oh!

Everyone has at least one person in their life who refuses to make decisions about anything. That person you try and make plans with, and you’re like, “What time do you want to meet?” and they’re like, “Um…uh…what time is best for you?” And you’re all, “I’m free whenever. Literally ANY time is okay for me,” and they act like you just told them the fate of the world is in their hands and if you don’t meet for lunch at the precise right moment, interdimensional beings will stomp us all to kingdom come because civilization depended on you both having soup at 1:15pm exactly.


And if you don’t know one of those people…well, now you do.

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