NanoPoblano, Day 12: So this is how I die.

The girl, so sweet and friendly a moment before, was scowling down at me. “What do you mean you don’t know where it is?”

“Just that; I don’t know!” I rummaged through my bag, items spilling out around me as I searched. “I had it here a second ago, I know it.”

“A likely story.”

“No really! I swear-”

Suddenly her face was inches from mine. Out of the corner of my eye I caught the glint of a blade as it flashed through the air, and then the point was at my throat. “That’s what they all say,” she said in a low growl. “They all swear, and they all beg. But none of them deliver the goods. DO THEY?

My life flashed before my eyes. “I’m s-sorry. It’s here, I know it’s here, just let me l-look a little longer and you’ll have it, I promise.”

She smiled, then. A slow, dangerous smile, filled with malice. She was savoring my terror. “Oh by all means, be my guessst,” she hissed, and straightened back up.

I went through every pocket, every nook of that blasted purse. But it wasn’t there. All the while the girl was tapping the flat of the blade against her chin, humming tunelessly as she stared me down. I broke out in a nervous sweat.

She sensed my defeat before I could say a word. “I knew it,” she sneered. “You’re full of it. You’re just like all the others. And you’ll go down just like all the others.”

I had no defense. Squeezing my eyes shut, I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and waited for the inevitable strike.

Please God, just let it be quick…

And then, as I hugged own torso for dear life, I felt it. A soft lump in my jacket pocket. The one place I had forgotten to look.

WAIT! Wait! I have it!”

Sobbing in relief and triumph, I pulled the reusable cloth shopping bag out of my pocket and held it out in supplication.


The Whole Foods cashier blinked. “Well I’ll be! You were telling the truth!” In an instant, the box cutter had disappeared back into her pocket and she was cheerfully ringing my items through as though nothing had ever happened.

I let out a small sigh of relief. Fucking hell, Nutty, get your shit together. That was close.

Too close.

The Nut’s Unhelpful Instructables: How To Food

Are you struggling with a surplus of efficiency? Do you suffer long hours of boredom stemming from always doing things right the first time? Do you find yourself envious of those who needlessly overcomplicate everything, because they will never know the mental anguish of actually having to TRY to keep themselves occupied?

You’re in the right place.

Let’s get unproductive.


Today’s Topic: Feeding Yourself

1. Arrive home from work, tired and ravenous.

2. Drop purse and coat on floor, make beeline for fridge.

3. Open fridge door cautiously, checking for portals to parallel dimensions, Sumerian gods and/or their minions.

Remember, if someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes.

4. Consider the meal potential of several bruised gala apples, a tub of crumbled feta cheese, two wilted Swiss chard leaves, a tablespoon’s worth of tzatziki dip, a bottle of chocolate pumpkin beer, one egg, and the various ten thousand dressings and sauces that you have sitting in the fridge instead of any real food.

5. Close fridge.

6. Open cupboard.

7. Scan all the cans and packages that, if cleverly combined, could result in any number of perfectly good meals.

8. Take out half-full bag of white chocolate chips instead and stuff a handful into your mouth.

Because white chocolate’s not its own food group, but it should be.

9. Return bag to cupboard, close cupboard door.

10. Text husband whining about how hungry you are.

11. Read husband’s reply in which he makes several sensible meal suggestions.

12. Consider divorcing husband because he just doesn’t get you.

13. Decide to order take-out.

14. Peruse menus online for about 45 minutes, because growling stomach or no, you are the most indecisive person ever.

Still too many choices.

15. Finally settle on Chines- no, hang on, maybe a nice curry dish would be bett- or what about…

16. Another 20 minutes later, close internet browser.

17. Get up, put your coat back on and grab your purse.

18. Walk to the grocery store and buy real food.

Fact: all grocery bags must contain a baguette.

19. Proudly return home with your purchases.

20. Put away groceries and admire your now well-stocked fridge.

21. Close fridge door.

22. Open cupboard.

23. Retrieve bag of white chocolate chips and pour into a bowl.

24. Dinner is served.