The “Nutty Acts Without Thinking” Hall of Fame

Last night I was so tired and distracted that I almost poured chicken bone broth into my tea instead of coconut milk.

Thank god for the “almost” part of that sentence or I would have had to commission a new plaque for the “Nutty Acts Without Thinking” Hall of Fame, to be displayed among such storied accomplishments as:

  • holding a carrot stick in one hand, a pencil in the other, and taking a bite of the pencil
  • throwing freshly cut apple slices into the garbage instead of the apple core
  • vigorously shaking a bottle of mustard while the cap was open, covering everything I knew and loved in Dijon
  • licking my finger and then using my other hand to turn the page
  • repeatedly putting rinsed dishes back in the sudsy sink instead of the drying rack
  • grabbing my car keys instead of my apartment keys to take out the garbage and locking myself out of the building
  • knitting the same row of a hat pattern two extra times and not noticing until half a dozen correctly knitted rows later
  • photocopying the document I meant to scan (multiple offenses)
  • shredding the document I meant to scan (also multiple offenses)
  • turning the lights off while leaving rooms that were still full of people (yet more multiple offenses)
  • instinctively touching the thing that someone else literally just told me to leave the hell alone (approximately 90% of the Wall of Fame)

And let’s face it, such dubious achievements leave enough of a bad taste in my mouth without also having to toast them with chicken-flavored Earl Grey.

We need to talk about toilets.

Warning: this post primarily concerns bodily functions. I’m sorry, I know we’re still just getting to know each other and I’m springing bathroom talk on you already, but I never promised this blog would be pretty.

You see, my office has an “artist” in its midst. A Jackson Pollock imitator most foul. Her canvas, the loo; her medium, poo.

…I sincerely apologize for that, but I couldn’t resist the rhyme.

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