Mer-regiftmas

A friend of mine hosts the most hysterical white elephant parties every year after Christmas. The perfect combination of good friends, good food, and awful presents, they are hands down the highlight of everyone’s January.

Never been to a white elephant party? You’re missing out. Here are some of my winnings from past years (“winnings” might be too kind a term for some of them) which could have been yours:

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Baby, It’s Creepy In Here

The more I hear “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, the more uncomfortable it makes me. Nothing says holiday classic like a date-rapey exchange by the fire, right?

Admittedly the first two verses aren’t so bad, but then she starts asking what’s in her drink (WTF?!) and he dodges the question and responds with manipulative flattery and guilt trips instead, and she’s like, dude you’re totally gonna ruin my reputation, and he’s like YOU WON’T HAVE A REPUTATION TO RUIN IF YOU CATCH PNEUMONIA AND DIE, BITCH and I’m like, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD this is why chaperones used to be a thing, people.

So I did a little editing. My version doesn’t quite have the same musicality of the original, but it helps me sleep better at night.

Also it’s shorter, and when it comes to Christmas music, shorter is usually good.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside But I Respect Your Boundaries

“I really can’t stay…”
“That’s cool. But baby, it’s cold outside…so take my scarf and some gloves. I don’t think we can get you a cab, but would you like me to walk you home?”

Much better.

Sunday Sing-along

I had so much fun with Friday’s 12 Days of Nutmas that I’ve decided to go ahead and ruin a few more of your favorite Christmas songs before the big day arrives. So get out your pitch pipes and corkscrews, because today we’re singing…

Let Wine Flow

Oh the weather outside is shitty
‘Cause it’s raining in the city
So crack open the Bordeaux
Let wine flow! Let wine flow! Let wine flow!

Though your family’s being awful
And you’re thinking things unlawful
Before you go striking blows
Let wine flow! Let wine flow! Let wine flow!

If we happen to sober up
How we’ll fester with anger and bile
But with booze brimming in our cups
We’ll take it all with a smile!

And later we’ll slip a fiver
To the designated driver
And we’ll sing in a drunken glow:
“Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymo-” “HEY! Can it, Elsa. I thought I told you guys no more goddamn Frozen songs in my car.” “Sorry.”

The hangover never bothered me anyway.

Friday Fa La La La La La

Google Webmaster Tools is the gift that keeps on giving…me nightmares about what weird-ass things people have been searching that lead to my blog.

It was a bit of a challenge to slog through all the recent search terms to find a dozen which were amusing yet short enough to fit this carol, but I persevered for you, dear readers, since the holidays are all about togetherness and sharing. So let’s all join hands and sing a rousing chorus of…

The Twelve Days of Nutmas Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Google gave to me:
Twelve horny convos,
Eleven trampoline dicks,
Ten achy assholes,
Nine pickled peckers,
Eight chocolate funbags,
Seven penis cancers,
Six butchered gardens,
Five boring socks!
Four pap smear photos,
Three spider whores,
Two ebola poes,
And a vegan hipster in a nut tree!

This is fun. What shall I mangle next?

Me: “I’m going on the naughty list, aren’t I?” Santa: “Yep.”