Quoth The Nut: Day 2

And so arrives Day 2 of the Three Quotes, Three Days challenge, or as I like to think of it, using the words of those wiser and wittier than me to take a vacation from thinking up anything clever of my own. Thanks again to Christina of The Wordy Rose for the friendly kick in the butt.

If you’ve already forgotten how the rules work, see yesterday’s post. I’m not rehashing all that shit again just because you weren’t paying attention. Sheesh.

Today’s quote comes from…somewhere. I’ve seen it questionably attributed to George Carlin and Mark Twain, among others (Twain wrote something fairly similar, and Carlin did spend a lot of his time talking about stupid people so I can see why he’d be a logical choice), but nobody can seem to show their work, so I’m just gonna chalk this one up to the Universe. Nice one, Universe.

I don’t generally give much credence to star signs, but I’ll still be the first to admit that I do in fact have all the stubbornness of a Taurus and then some.

Which is to say I learned this lesson about idiots the hard way.

I didn’t have such a bad time of it before the internet came along. But then, y’know, the internet. An endless miasma of antiquated views, religious fanaticism, prejudice, conjecture, and questionable grammar at my fingertips, and I’m just supposed to stand idly by and watch?

Fat fucking chance!

The most painfully accurate XKCD of all time.

Facebook debate about the morality of same-sex relationships? You’re on.
Article questioning a woman’s right to choose? *cracks knuckles* Bring it.
Bigot with two brain cells and a YouTube channel? To the comments!

Just kidding about the YouTube comments. That’s a kiddie pool of crazy even I wouldn’t dip my toe into.

But I was still a sucker for the rest.

I don’t know how many hours of my life I wasted in futile games of cat and mouse with people who were actually proud of their own ignorance, but it was too many. This time, I would think, this time I will find the perfect way to word things so the light bulb will go on in their head and they’ll see reason! And after every “this time” failed, there was another waiting just behind it.

Still, even the most stubborn person eventually runs out of “this time”s.

I was in the middle of writing some stupidly long Facebook comment when I finally snapped out of my delusion. I can’t even remember what we were debating. And I don’t know what was so different about that day as opposed to any other day. But I recall looking at my words, then looking back at the words that had set me off, and having everything just click.

Wait just a goddamn minute… You know what? Fuck this.

There will always be stupid people. And that sucks for us all.

But it’s not your job to fix them.

They don’t want to be fixed anyway. They are far more committed to being stupid than you are to talking sense into them. You are not a lesser person for giving up, you are just making more effective use of your time.

So let it go, go eat an Oreo, and get on with your life.

What are you waiting for? GO!

Quickly, before I could change my mind, I highlighted my meticulously worded wall of text, took a deep breath, and pressed Delete.

Immediate relief washed over me. I didn’t feel like a failure. I felt more like a genius. A belated genius, perhaps, but better late than never.

It was so satisfying, I almost didn’t even need the Oreo.


Quoth The Nut: Day 1

So the lovely Christina over at The Wordy Rose made the rookie mistake kind gesture of nominating me to participate in the Three Quotes, Three Days challenge despite the fact that I a) am terrible at following rules, and b) don’t normally do the whole “thoughtful” or “profound” thing here because when I do I get in trouble for making people sad.1


But I do enjoy a good quote, so what the heck. Let’s do this anyway. I’m sure we can get through it with a minimum of tears.

The first rule of the Three Quotes, Three Days challenge is you do not talk about the Three Quotes, Three Days challenge.

And now if everyone would please follow me, we’ll head back to 1999 when that joke was funny.

Anyway, Rule #1 is actually to post three quotes in three days, because apparently the rules were penned by Captain Obvious.

The second rule of the Three Quotes, Three Days challenge is you do not talk about the Three Quotes, Three Days challenge.

I’ll stop now.

Rule #2 says to nominate three other bloggers per day to participate in the challenge too. I’ll be taking a pass on this one because it feels chain letter-ish and I always hated those, not to mention I know some of you have already done the challenge, so as my lame nod to Rule #2, just consider yourselves welcome to participate if you feel the pressing need to go on a quoting binge.

Rule #3 is to give a nod to the blogger who nominated you. WAY ahead of you, Rule #3.

So. Them’s the rules. Now what? I guess this is the part where I pull a quote out of my ass.

And today’s lucky winner is…


Okay, so this first one isn’t exactly Shakespeare.

But I love it, and pretty much everything else Mitch Hedberg ever said, because the man was the king of seeing the world in unexpected ways. He was pure out-of-the-box thinking on crack, and that pretty much describes my brain’s standard methodology right there. Organized tangential reasoning.

The quoted joke in particular reinforces something I’ve believed my entire life: if you want to accomplish something, don’t let the established norm narrow your vision. Standard procedure likes to try and convince you it’s the only way to go, but what in this life is ever truly standard? Be weird. Be wonderful. Blindside a problem with an utterly ridiculous solution if the logical ones aren’t working. Any way (within legal limits, of course) is okay as long as you end up with a result you’re happy with.

And if that result is delicious and covered in frosting, so much the better.

1 I know, I know, many of you also said it was a great piece of writing, but I can’t make fun of the part where you guys actually like my stuff, now can I?

That’s a paddlin’, or, “Everything I know about pest control I learned from Home Alone.”

In 2001, my friend Andi moved away to Massachusetts to attend college there. I was staying in Vancouver for university and was sorry to see her go. There were only a handful of people I bothered to keep in touch with after high school, and of those, she was the only one I spent time with regularly. Still, we had the internet. We kept up such a flurry of online conversation that pretty soon the miles didn’t seem to matter so very much.

Of course, that didn’t stop me from jumping at the chance to go visit when she invited me to spend a week with her during the summer of her second year. I booked my flights and then counted down the days in giddy anticipation as Andi went into planning mode, trying to cram as many places and activities into our schedule as she could.

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A friend of mine hosts the most hysterical white elephant parties every year after Christmas. The perfect combination of good friends, good food, and awful presents, they are hands down the highlight of everyone’s January.

Never been to a white elephant party? You’re missing out. Here are some of my winnings from past years (“winnings” might be too kind a term for some of them) which could have been yours:

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Thanks for the perspective.

Being Canadian, it’s kind of weird going on the internet on a Thursday in November and seeing endless photos of golden turkeys, plentiful side dishes (ranging from delicious-looking to highly questionable) and freshly baked pies all over my Facebook and Twitter feeds. If you listen carefully towards the north, you can hear all the bemused Canucks scratching our heads, going “Didn’t we just do all this last month?”


But since everyone seems to be on a Thanksgiving thanks giving roll and I hate feeling left out, and because schadenfreude is the gift that keeps on giving, I thought I’d take this time to share a few of the recent search terms that have led to my blog, because at the very least you can be thankful you’re not any of these people.

(Unless one of these searches actually is yours. In which case I would suggest making a beeline for the nearest bar, because sometimes sobriety is overrated.)

“my computer just made a terrifying crunching noise”
Okay, so you remembered to keep the turkey bones safely away from your pets so they won’t choke, but you didn’t realize that your computer was sentient…and hungry. Rookie mistake. Your mechanical beastie got into the garbage and and now there’s chewed up bone and turkey drippings all over the motherboard. Distract your computer with Thanksgiving-themed cat gifs while you clean up the mess, then set a nice image of a holiday pie as the desktop background so it won’t be tempted to go back for dessert.

Image and video hosting by HilariousGIFs.com


“vegan hipster”
This guy was eating Tofurky before it was cool. Technically anyone who’s ever eaten Tofurky can say that, hipster or not, because eating Tofurky has never been cool and never will be.

“nut all over me”
Okay, so you dropped the pecan pie. It’s now all down the front of your cute holiday apron. And somehow in your hair. And your ear. It’s okay. Just calmly excuse yourself and go take a hot shower with a bottle of bourbon. Everyone else has already had too much wine to really notice you’re gone. And the dog will gladly dispose of the pie bits on the floor in your absence.

“turn my son into a whore”
Whoa whoa whoa, you save that human trafficking talk for your Christmas letter to Santa, buster. Tom Turkey don’t grant no wishes.

“penis through monitor”
I know the holidays can be lonely sometimes, but I’m not sure you quite understand how cybersex works. Although you just gave all the ER docs and nurses who have to work on Thanksgiving a great story to tell their friends, so at least you can take some comfort in the fact that you’ve brought joy to others.

“I’m single but I act like I’m taken”
It’s okay. I know you’re sick of your family asking when you’re going to find “the one” already and settle down and get married. But just remember, that “my girlfriend lives in Canada” story is only going to hold up for so long. Better to simply dodge any relationship questions and deflect the attention onto someone else. Like your Uncle Randy, who showed up late for dinner walking kinda funny and muttering something about a computer monitor…


Happy Thanksgiving to all my American blog buddies. Have fun and stay safe.

To getting married and shit!

So my friend is getting married next weekend, and the bachelorette party was Saturday. I was a bit worried about going since I’ve been on the thyroid roller coaster from hell recently, but I figured even if my stupid thyroid didn’t behave itself, it was a long weekend and I’d have two full days to recover. So I went, and by some miracle my body decided to be nice to me for once, quite possibly because I was plying it with booze, and I’m glad because I would have missed an amazing shindig otherwise. We ate delicious Mexican food, we drank our weight in alcohol through penis-shaped straws (which I understand are now mandatory at all modern stagettes), and we danced until our feet cried out for mercy.

And any and all conversation remained firmly planted in the gutter, where it belonged.

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And yea, there was much cursing in the land of Kitsilano.

Mario Kart 8 hits stores today in North America, and we all know what that means: steering your favorite Nintendo characters in action packed races, navigating head-scratchingly physics-defying courses, and hurling wacky items at your buddies to slowly chip away at the foundations of your friendship.

Oh, and swearing loudly and profusely enough to make an entire armada’s worth of sailors blush. I apologize in advance to our neighbors. There will be cursing, and lots of it.

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