It’s a boy! It’s a girl! It’s an $8,000,000 disaster!

/ Spoken Like A True Nut

Gender reveal parties are stupid.

There, I said it.

Granted, as someone who would rather die than create and incubate a small new human which would then repay me by tearing its way into the world via my delicate lady bits, I may be ever so slightly biased.

I (hypothetically) understand why finding out the gender of a baby would be exciting and something worth sharing, I just don’t get why it has to be such a circus. “We have happy news! Come stand around at our house for two hours while we string you along before finally letting you watch us lift a rabbit out of a hat holding a carrot which when cut open will reveal vegetable weevils that have been dyed either blue or pink!”

It’s like on all those cooking competition shows where Gordon Ramsay stalls for twenty minutes before actually announcing whose dish won them a tiny advantage in the next round and you just want to strangle him.

“There were many impressive contenders in the battle to fertilize Heather’s egg. But there can only be one winner. Which sperm had the drive and motivation to rise to the occasion? Was it an X or a Y chromosome of Dan’s that found the perfect pairing with Heather’s X? It’s time to find out. And so…without any further ado…I am so very pleased to announce…that the winner…of the battle to knock Heather up…the gender that I am about to reveal…the child that will be growing up under its lucky parents’ roof for the next 18 years…after an incredible performance during Heather and Dan’s successful act of procreative love…please join me in congratulating this wonderful husband and wife as they welcome…”

Like, enough already. What’s wrong with just, y’know, telling your friends in passing and letting everyone get on with their lives? Sure, have a small gathering if you’re the happy hostess type and you want to blurt the joyful news out en masse and in person. Just don’t make all your invitees wait for the next ice age before you pop your confetti-filled balloon or slice your overpriced layer cake down the middle. And if your guest list absolutely must comprise more than a hundred people, spring for a JumboTron so the people in the back can actually see what the fuck is going on.

Also, try not to set anything on fire.

I know it’s just not a baby-related event without guns and highly volatile explosives, but do your best to rein yourself in.

That kid’s gonna cost you enough without an eight million dollar fine on top of it all.

25 thoughts on “It’s a boy! It’s a girl! It’s an $8,000,000 disaster!”

  1. When I was four I told my mother pink was my favorite color. She said “Oh no, pink is a girl’s color.” And although I couldn’t articulate it in quite this way I thought gendered colors was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard of.
    And it stayed that way until some jackass started a wildfire announcing his soon to be son. I don’t even get the smoke thing for popes, much less an embryo.

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  2. YES! Anyway, don’t Parents In The Know now wait for the kid to reveal his/her/its own gender? Well, maybe not in Arizona, but still…
    I actually can’t stand the hype around kids’ milestones. Don’t get me wrong, I made a tiny human who is now one of my best friends, and we celebrated MANY milestones … but we managed to do so without graduation ceremonies (for preschool? Seriously???) or gift lists (SO SO DAMN TACKY – I don’t care what the occasion is – T.A.C.K.Y)

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    • Oh. My. God. The million “graduations” they have these days. I can’t.

      We weren’t even allowed to wear cap and gown at my high school graduation. Our principal said academic regalia should be reserved for post-secondary ceremonies only, so instead we all just dressed up to the nines and had a grand old time. And when I finally did get to wear my cap and gown to receive my university degrees, it was that much more meaningful and special.

      The fact that they’re having all these little ceremonies for children really rubs me the wrong way. At some point, isn’t it going to start to lose all meaning for them? What do they really get to look forward to now when there’s a celebration for every little thing? Make too many things out to be special, and suddenly nothing is.

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  5. Amazon sells gender reveal party kits. I only know this because they were giving away some in their holiday gift giveaways and I was like, “what an oddly specific thing that absolutely no one wants!”

    But if you’re thinking of maybe blowing some shit up for your reveal—out in the middle of a drought-ravaged field abutting a national forest—maybe the balloons and teeny penis/vagina cupcake toppers are a better choice after all.

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      • I know they get a lot of attention for being “unique” or whatever, but they’re all a variation on “gather people together and… surprise! It’s a ____” So I’m not sure they’re so much unique and creative as they are shameless attention-seekers and gimme pigs (oh yeah, it’s basically another shower—guests are meant to bring gifts for the MOM instead of the baby)

        Then again, you won’t catch me in a position to break this news to anyone ever again, so I might also be a leetle biased.

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  8. Geez, is that a thing? I’m with the let’s-find-out-when-you-have-it school of thinking. This isn’t a game show.
    I alway loved my Mum’s practical view on parenting – having a baby is a miracle but you’re a fool if you think it’s clever.

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  10. I’ve never really fit into neat gender norms. As a child, if I learned my parents had done one of these ridiculous parties and labelled me as ‘pink’, I would have turned into a tiny super-villain and raged through the house for years. (Fortunately my parents were pretty cool. They let me get on with my gender neutral fun, let me wear boys clothes when I wanted and didn’t try to push pink and appearance-based-toys/things).

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    • I was kind of scared of my grandfather when I was growing up. He always came across as very stoic and professional, even during family time. But he was the only one of my relatives that never tried to give me overly “girly” gifts.

      My grandmother was always trying to get me to play with dolls. All of my aunts liked to give me purses and frilly clothes.

      My grandfather? He gave me an elaborate toy building/construction set when I was around six years old. I was so excited about it that he got down on the floor with me and we opened the box up right then and there and started snapping bits and pieces together.

      That was the day I realized he probably understood me better than anyone else in my extended family. He was old-fashioned in a lot of ways, but he was the only one who never tried to cram me into a gender stereotype that didn’t fit.

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  11. Oh my, that was brilliant! As a total introvert, I dodge every sort of get-together and ask for a text with the relevant information. I didn’t even go to my daughter’s wedding shower – I left that to those who thrive in those situations. Luckily, my daughter, when giving me the invitation, said, “Don’t worry about not coming, I wouldn’t be going either if I didn’t have too.” That was a proud moment for me. 😂 Great post!

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