I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
Did I sleep funny?
Get out of a chair too quickly?
Have the audacity to bend over and pick something up without half an hour of preparatory stretching?
Or has my body just arbitrarily decided to select a new and unexpected focal point into which to pour all its malice and angst?
Whatever the reason, my spine has gone into protest mode in a fresh and horrible way far removed from the general full-body hypothyroid achiness to which I’ve become reluctantly accustomed over the years.
This is not the slow burn of chronic autoimmune assholery. This is FUCK THIS THING IN PARTICULAR stabby pain, and the fact that none of my usual tried and true pain relief tactics are working on it is sending me on a one-way spiral into murderous rage. We’re talking a serious case of pain anger here. I’m pangry.
(Urban Dictionary has several definitions of “pangry” involving a range of things from lack of sex to a desperate need to use the washroom. I reject those definitions and substitute my own.)
The rational part of me knows violence isn’t the answer.
The pangry part of me wants to take a steak knife to my own vertebrae.
This is by no means a new train of thought for me. I absolutely adore fantasizing about all the barbaric ways I could punish my body for its insubordination, and would, too, if it weren’t for those meddling
Like, I’m pretty sure you can only endure so many migraines before you have at least one passing epiphany where a good old-fashioned DIY trepanning suddenly sounds like a FANTASTIC idea.
Similarly, around the five hour mark of trying – and failing – to find some way, any way of positioning my body at my work desk that might alleviate the feeling that a starved beaver was gnawing its way methodically through my backbone, I was more than ready to start gleefully plotting revenge.
I texted Nutty Hubby to discuss strategy.
Me: Oh. My. God. I have never wanted to just rip out my own spine so badly. Where’s a Predator when you need one?
Nutty Hubby: They’re not known to be accommodating.
Me: I don’t need accommodating. I need spine rippey-outey. Which is what they do for a living. If I keep provoking one long enough I’m sure I’ll get the desired outcome.
Nutty Hubby: Though depending on how advanced their scanning is, they may deem you as “sick” and therefore not worth the trophy.
Me: Fine. Whatever. They can kill me in any other way that suits them and leave my carcass un-trophified. Just so long as I’m put out of my misery.
Nutty Hubby: True, that would still work.
So the good news is I have a plan.
Bad news is that finding a Predator is really, really hard, on account of they’re kind of invisible most of the time.
I might have to settle for Sub-Zero instead. But nobody tell him he’s my second choice. Don’t want to hurt the poor guy’s feelings.
3 thoughts on “Provoking the Predator, and other ill-advised methods of pain relief.”
Fun fact: I do a spot-on Predator noise. Have, in fact, been known to do it unconsciously when I’m annoyed or puzzling something out.
I’m not saying Sub-Zero isn’t a fine plan… just pointing out you might not need to give up on Predators after all 😉 (Oh, and sorry ’bout the pangry-making spine.)
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This is brilliant–I’ve finally found someone who can have a conversation about Predator!
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Oh god, I’m sorry to hear this. I also have very dark fanatasies about showing the pain who’s boss. But I guess commiseration isn’t worth much when you’re suffering, and all I can offer is sympathy. Unfortunately the world is run by people who aren’t chronic sufferers, and they don’t prioritize suitable pain relief for those of us who are busy just surviving.