Don’t worry, I’m still a moron.

In case any of you got the mistaken impression from my last post that I’ve actually started to get my shit together and grow as a person, just know that I’ve been missing 1/4 of an eyebrow for the better part of two weeks. Because I’m a moron.

Following my wild success with Doctor Google’s recommendation of Brazil nuts to help babysit my temperamental thyroid hormones, I paid the good doc a return visit to address the issue of my skin and some concerning topography thereof.

Namely, a metric crapload of tiny, annoying bumps on my thighs and upper arms.

No, I’m not going to subject you guys to any gross skin pics. You get frozen molehills, because I’m nice.

I’ve had these things on my legs for ages. They were originally confined solely to my inner thighs and knees, so I always just assumed my skin was irritated from years of wearing skinny jeans. The things we do for fashion, right?

But recently they started to show up on my arms too. And I definitely haven’t been wearing skinny jeans on those. At least, that I know of. I suppose it’s technically possible that someone’s been sneaking in at night and clothing my upper extremities in tight denim just to fuck with me, but if that’s the case then I have bigger problems than a few patches of bumpy skin.

Anyway, after some creative keywording and a string of “yikes, thank fucking god I don’t have that” Google image searches, I finally discovered the culprit behind my disgruntled dermis: keratosis pilaris.

The good news is it’s harmless. It’s just a simple keratin build-up that blocks the hair follicles and makes a nuisance of itself.

The bad news is, no one really knows why it happens, and so there’s no way to prevent it from rearing its ugly head. And all you can really do when it does is throw acid on it until it whimpers and runs away.

I’m not kidding. The recommended treatment is acid; albeit of the alpha-hydroxy, lactic, or salicylic varieties and not something like drastic like hydrochloric or sulfuric, but at the end of the day you’re still basically burning your skin off for the sake of vanity.

…okay, so I’m vain enough that I figured it was worth a shot.

I made the rounds of a few forum discussions on the subject, and people seemed to have the most success with the lactic acid, so I went to the drugstore and picked up a bottle of that.

Y’all, this is making it really hard for me not to start taking all my medical advice from strangers on the internet. Because within a week my legs were as smooth as a baby’s behind. Hell, I’m not even sure my skin was this supple when I was a baby. Seriously, acid is AWESOME.*

*Statement applies to lotion only. Don’t do drugs, kids.

But while my legs were celebrating their long overdue facelift in almost no time at all, my arms remained as stubbornly bumpy as ever, even after two weeks of treatment. This made no sense to me. My upper arm skin couldn’t be more resistant to chemical exfoliants than the scaly, battle-scarred surface of my long-suffering knees, could it? There had to be some variable I hadn’t taken into account.

And then it dawned on me: the humble razor.

Before every slathering of acid-laced lotion, I had showered and shaved my legs, presumably fucking up the tough surface of my little keratinoid molehills and thereby allowing the acid to better penetrate and do its work.

Couldn’t hurt to try, right? So fuck it, I guess I’m someone who shaves their arms now.

And I’ll be goddamned if I wasn’t right on the money about that being the difference, because my arms AND my legs are now silky smooth 24/7 and there’s a good chance that if I don’t stop constantly feeling them up they’re gonna start playing the Divinyls every time I walk into a room.

 

So by now you’ve probably figured out what happened to my eyebrow.

Don’t judge me. Face shaving has been a beauty trend all over the internet for the last two years. I’m not the only sucker who’s tried it.

Granted, most of those other suckers probably managed to exit the experience with about 114% more eyebrows than I did, but still.

Guys, I was SO careful. I planted myself in front of the mirror and I looked into my eyes and said firmly, “Nutty, you are coming out of this with two intact eyebrows. Period.”  And then I went to work. Slowly. Methodically. And I did a damn good job, if I do say so myself.

So perfect a job that as I completed my last stroke, I instinctively flicked my wrist in a triumphant flourish.

Pro tip, people, wait to do your flourishing until you put the razor DOWN.

The eyebrow will grow back, but the jury’s still out on my dignity.

 

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15 thoughts on “Don’t worry, I’m still a moron.

  1. Hahahahaha! I had a mad woman tint mine black once and ended up with a monobrow for two weeks. I blamed it on Twilight and wore a “Team Werewolf” t-shirt.

    As for the KP, I know tons of people who have this. What I want to know, is how long this acid treatment lasts. I’ll be interested in the follow-up post. Hopefully, you’ll have your dignity back by then.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The KP bumps are all gone for now but I’m still using the lotion once a week because it makes my skin unbelievably soft. Who knows, maybe it’ll help stop the next outbreak before it starts.

      I went to the spa for a facial once and the woman doing my treatment offered to tattoo my eyebrows so they’d be darker. I took one look at her own blocky, Sharpie-black brows and politely declined.

      Like

  2. I’ve had KP on my upper arms for as long as I can remember. It has actually calmed down some on its own as I’ve gotten older, but one thing that noticeably helped was when I stopped using soap / body wash so frequently. I pretty much only use body wash these days if I’m legit dirty or have been heavily sweating (ie: after yoga class). My skin has been much happier for it. You’ve got me kind of curious about shaving my arms now, though. Not that they’re super hairy…but still.

    Also, BHA cream/gel works wonders on gnarly feet. It’s not quite Baby Foot levels of dead skin sloughing, but over the course of a couple weeks it’ll really soften even the most lizardy feet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • *shudders* I have nightmares about all the Baby Foot peel photos/videos I’ve seen online. My feet are generally pretty decent for someone with such dry skin, thank goodness, but I’ll keep your tip in mind for when they inevitably need help recovering from beach season.

      I don’t have particularly hairy arms either, just peach fuzz, but I’ve definitely noticed a difference in lotion absorption and overall hydration now that I’m shaving them. Fair warning: elbows are murder to navigate.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Weirdly keratosis pilaris, or something similar to it, seems to happen to some men as a result of shaving, when the facial hair doesn’t regrow normally but goes sideways under the skin, probably because it’s drunk from the alcohol in aftershave lotion.
    And only having three-fourths of an eyebrow may not be ideal but, hey, at least you’re not one of those women who plucks out all their eyebrows and then draws them back on. They may not look as bad as Uncle Leo but still, who do they think they’re fooling?

    Liked by 1 person

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