Yesterday there was a wait at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I could have sat in the provided chairs and played games on my phone, or passed the time idly browsing the magazine racks, but instead I did the stupid thing and wandered aimlessly through the tattered remains of retail Halloween in the seasonal aisle.
I thought I would be okay so long as I didn’t make eye contact with any boxes or bags of leftover candy (lest they leap into my arms and beg piteously to come home with me), but in the process of avoiding the magnetic lure of empty calories, I locked eyes with something much worse.
Let’s talk about all the problems I have with these.
First and foremost, WHY DO CHIA PETS STILL EXIST?! I cannot remotely comprehend how something that is basically Pet Rock 2.0 can still be bringing in enough money to still be a thing in this day and age. I don’t use the words “I can’t even” lightly, but holy shit, guys, I can’t even.
At least the original pets were kind of cute. A leafy green sheep, a verdant fluffy dog? How could you not find those at least somewhat endearing?
Except apparently they don’t do cute animals anymore. You know what they do do?
And these idiot zombies.
Stop the planet, I want to get off.
I said STOP!
…it’s not stopping.
Fuck it, guess we’ll just have to soldier on.
Awful choice of subject matter aside (why Trump, Chia, WHYYYY?), it pains me how lazy these bastards have gotten with their design concepts. I mean, the whole point of stuff like the Chia puppy and the Chia head was that the ensuing greenery resembled quirky fur or hair.
Meanwhile, the designers of Dragging Drew and Restless Arm up there have oh so ingeniously used their employer’s trademark vegetation to represent…vegetation.
Gimme a minute, I don’t know if my brain is ready for that kind of in-depth visual mind-fuckery.
And there’s another thing; why do Dragging Drew and Creepy Holden get actual people names, but Restless Arm is just Restless Arm?
That arm belonged to someone, man. Whether it’s a grotesquely severed B-movie casualty in its own right or still attached to a body that’s frantically scrabbling to dig itself out, this is a piece of a person we’re talking about here, and it deserves to be honored as such. Even Thing from the Addams Family had a proper name, for god’s sake.
I’m gonna rechristen Restless Arm. Henceforth, he shall be known as Grabby Gary. Don’t you let your creators’ ableism get you down, Gary. You do you.