I have a Snapchat account for precisely two reasons:
- To receive entertaining photos and videos from a dear friend in Japan chronicling all the weird and wonderful things she sees and does there.
- To filter the everloving shit out of my face.
I have never used Snapchat’s “Discover” feature. I remember maybe once in a blue moon to actually check people’s stories. Seriously, I have Instagram for all that crap. JUST LET ME POKE MY FACE THROUGH VIRTUAL BREAD ALREADY.
Over the past couple of insomnia-riddled months, I’ve developed a nightly ritual of checking what new daily filters they’ve swapped in as I lie in bed wide awake at 3am. Here, Snapchat whispers seductively in my ear, try on some drag queen makeup. Why have regular boring old dark circles under your eyes when you could have FABULOUS dark circles?
I mean, you just can’t argue with that kind of logic. It’s a totally valid point. I could spend my sleepless hours staring miserably at the ceiling as my brain gleefully recalls the gory minutiae of every minor social blunder I’ve ever committed over my lifetime, or I could spend them admiring the sight of my own face covered in yellow butterflies. Or leopard print. Or twinkling stars. Or geriatric man wrinkles (with bonus liver spots).
The choice is clear. Bring on the liver spots.
Now, occasionally Snapchat’s facial recognition matrix and I have differing opinions regarding small details like exactly where my lips begin and end, or just how much I’m allowed to open or close my eyes before my virtual makeover morphs into a veritable freak show, but that’s cool. We’re still BFFs. I even voluntarily save screencaps of the more entertaining fails just in case anyone ever needs some quality blackmail material on me. Because I’m a giver.
Heck, if it’s a really boring night, I’ll intentionally do everything I can to break a filter just to amuse myself.
Then again, sometimes Snapchat is already one step ahead of me.
Observe, if you will, what happened to me the other night as I was playing with their temporary but always entertaining angel/devil switcheroo lens (results, predictably, run through Prisma, because the addiction is real, people).
Devil:
Yes, okay, everything seems to be in order here.
Angel:
…*ahem*.
I swear this was 100% completely unprovoked.
Like I said, Snapchat gets me.
Spoken Like A True Nut 
Love the pics–it’s like having you on either shoulder: “Should I have another glass of wine or not?” I also remember the joy of eating a hole in a piece of bread then using it for a mask. God, we were weird kids…
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Person: “Should I have another glass of wine?”
Devil Nut: “Yes.”
Angel Nut: *nods vigorously, holds out corkscrew*
I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job.
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See, THAT’s what I need!
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Yesss, I am all about the filters!!! Honestly, I mostly just take pictures of myself with different filters for myself instead of sending pictures to other people but that’s only because my closest friends think they’re too cool or busy or some crap for snapchat… lame. The only filter I don’t understand is that one that makes everything kinda pink and blue but like sepia-toned sorta? Idk, I don’t get it lol
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I think I know the one you mean. I find that one depends entirely on the lighting. Sometimes it makes me look amazing, sometimes it’s just weird. And I can’t decide whether to be appreciative or offended about its built-in face slimming effect. What if I WANT pink and blue chipmunk cheeks? What then?
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Hahahaha I didn’t even know it did that!!! What happens to people with long skinny faces I wonder? But I guess Snapchat just assumes all of us have fat faces. Also, is being pink and blue a quality one wants? There might be a slightly racist element for those of us not Smurfs or My Little Ponies…
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I recently started using filters on my cats, because, duh.
My cat as Colonel Sanders is the best thing you won’t see today, because I can’t figure out how to post a picture in this comment section.
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Yeah, WordPress comments are sad face for pictures that aren’t already hosted online.
But thank you anyway for the awesome mental image.
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