It’s the first day of summer. Feliz Navidad!

Today is the summer solstice. The longest goddamn day of the year.

Maybe I’d be more inclined to enjoy that if I were lying in the sun on a pristine beach somewhere with a mai tai in one hand and a piña colada in the other – and two or three or ten more on the way, ideally served to me by Robert Downey Jr. – but I’m not. I’m stuck in a dreary grey office with dreary grey clouds outside the window and it’s Monday and therefore everything is terrible.

So fuck summer. Let’s have Christmas instead.

I’m serious. Let’s do this.

In fact, I’ve already found us a tree. Oh yeah, I’m just that good. Can you believe this gem has been sitting in the alley since January and nobody’s snapped it up? I think it’ll do splendidly, assuming you don’t mind your greenery not quite so green, and just a tad bit extra flammable.

It’s not dead, it’s rustic.

Table decor won’t be a problem either, because what should I discover on a street corner the other day but this adorable pair of North Pole regulars! (Okay, so they kind of look like they’re not on speaking terms right now, but I’m sure we can sort that out; I mean, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?)

Just add couples therapy.

Hm. You know what? I don’t think one snowman is enough. June is always suffering from a deplorable lack of snowmen.

MOAR SNOWMEN!

MOAR SNOWMEN

Also maybe you can help me out here; I can’t tell if the green blob in the lower right corner of that last photo is just a random ball of yarn or an attempt to craft a Grinch. Thoughts?

You know what? My pareidolia says it’s the Grinch, so let’s just go with that. There should always be a Grinch. Otherwise who will carve the roast beast?

Last but not least, we’ll need some kind of cheerful red and green banner proclaiming “Merry Christmas” in at least one language.

…wait, whaddaya mean no one has Christmas banners in stock? What the hell, retailers? You have the jingle balls to play carols in your stores before October’s even punched in for work, but there’s not a single goddamn mylar Happy Birthday Jesus banner to be found in June?

You disgust me. Priorities, people. Gawd.

Oh well, guess we’ll just have to improvise.

Red and green are so 2015. This year, make a real statement with fuchsia and chartreuse!

Perfect.

Oh, shoot, almost forgot the turkey.

Bingo.

No need for any stuffing; he’s already full of it.

A very merry Monday, joyeux June, and feliz Solstice to you all. Now where’s my fucking drink, Robert?

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24 thoughts on “It’s the first day of summer. Feliz Navidad!

  1. Sheetz (gas station chain in these here parts, if y’all don’t know that) had Christmas cookies for sale this month. Fresh too. Well, I mean, so they said. They were promoting “Christmas in June” for charitable reasons. Sigh.

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  2. Always entertaining, but no. NO!

    There will not be Christmas in June … what’s wrong with these people? Having said that, I recently encountered a random tree still wearing decorations while out on an urban hike, and a plastic snowman on the shore of Lake Ontario … not washed up, sun-bathing. Is this something new? If it is, I want it to stop. It’s just wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s bizarre, isn’t it? This whole post was really triggered by the little Santa and snowman figurines I found on the street corner. I’d gotten so used to the dead tree and the snowmen in the window and the stencil just sort of being there that I was almost blasé about them every time I passed by, but who the hell decides that JUNE is the perfect time to put that ceramic Santa and snowman out on the curb hoping someone with low standards and a poor sense of what season it is will want them? I ask you…

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  3. This entire post made me so happy, you don’t even know. Christmas is my obsession. Then I looked out my window and our neighbors three doors down have apparently told the guys with the massive trucks that hauled in the noisy construction equipment that it was totally cool to park everything in front of my house and my goodwill toward mankind sort of evaporated.

    I’ll be joining you on that beach momentarily. We’ll have glitter and snowflakes and wreaths and rum-based diets and it’ll be fucking magical.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG I will make my grandmother’s Christmas rum balls…we can drink rum AND snack on it at the same time!

      I must protest against the glitter, though. That shit is forever. It’s like a plague. Instead of taking it to the beach with us, let’s just dump it all on your oh-so-considerate neighbors and see if a little long-lasting involuntary bling doesn’t teach them a bit of a lesson.

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  4. Instead of Christmas in June I think we should have Annual Gift Day. I’ve heard about families who do this because doing the whole gift thing once a year isn’t enough for them, those greedy bastards. But I think we should take any excuse to take some time off and indulge, especially in the middle of summer.
    As a side note years ago I heard about people in southern California complaining that the weather is so damn nice there in December that they can’t hide those extra holiday pounds under sweaters. Life sucks when everything is awesome.
    Anyway I even have the perfect mascot in mind for this annual gift-giving in June idea.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My parents own a vacation home in SoCal. They never go there…because it’s too hot. And they make sure to complain about that at every available opportunity.

      Instead of Annual Gift Day, can I have a Shut Up About Your Goddamn Rich People Problems Day?

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  5. The turkey made me snort. I wouldn’t go near it either! Here in Oz we sometimes do Christmas is July – any excuse for a party- but it was started by expats who wanted to be able to enjoy a full hot roast Christmas dinner without sweating into a puddle of gravy from the heat at actual Christmas time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for the turkey remark, haha. That was great. XD The tree is very rustic, indeed, though you could probably hit up a dollar store or hardware store and just spray paint some green back on…. just like they do to California lawns. 😉 I’m totally down for Christmas in June!

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  7. I love you! Definitely a Grinch. Definitely a turkey.
    I did do Christmas in July when we lived in Melbourne for the exact reason Michelle mentioned. I also, in fairness, cooked another damn bird in December because I couldn’t resist. We ate turkey sandwiches standing in the ocean for Christmas.

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