Oh, Japan…

geographical name
1. Country E Asia comprising Honshu, Hokkaido, Kyushu, Shikoku, & other islands in the W Pacific.Merriam-Webster1
2. Land of exciting and new WTF moments. – The Nut

First off, let me just apologize to all the wonderful people whose blogs I haven’t been reading for the past two weeks because HOLY HELL BUSY WITH ALL THE THINGS. Between my daily photo blog, the A to Z Challenge on this blog, my job, my recent vacation, and my brain still insistently trying to convince me that we’re still on Japan time, I just can’t even right now. But I promise to catch up on everyone’s lovely writing as soon as my eyes figure out how to focus on any one thing for more than 27ms.

I also just deliberately pulled an all-nighter to show my brain who’s boss (so if I fall asleep and drown doing laps at the pool after work, tell the paramedics “My bad!” from me) so I figured instead of me doing all the talking today, I’d take a few pictures up on those “worth 1000 words” claims they’re always making and save my available brain functions for the really important stuff, like remembering to breathe, and sucking down coffee.

So without further ado, here’s a quick photo guide to Land of the Rising Sun that I compiled just for you, should you ever think about visiting.

First thing you’re going to want to do is freshen up after your long flight. When planning a visit to Japan, don’t forget to pack your tuxedo. No shower is complete without one.

Pay particular attention to drying yourself. If you don’t have a serious case of meme-face by the time you’re done toweling off, then you’re not doing it right.

Remember, only you can make the choice to use the Heavenly Mode, which is absolutely not a double-pronged spray option loaded with twice the innuendo. At all. Really.

Once you’re finished doubly enjoying your shower and decide to go out on the town, be sure to note the location of your nearest tsunami refug. This will be a comfort to remember every time yet another sign (and there will be many) sees fit to remind you how easily a large swell of displaced water could attempt to bring about your sudden death should Mother Earth decide to throw a tantrum.

Yeah, yeah, I know, all this talk of your potential watery grave is making you hungry. “But I can’t read Japanese,” you say. Not to worry! There are plenty of dining options available to English speakers.

Let yourself get beckoned in for lunch, for instance,  by a not-at-all-creepy monkey that will definitely not animate once you’ve turned your back, then follow you home and dismember you in your sleep…

…or if that’s not your cup of tea, there’s always the option to indulge in a traditional Asian stereotype (just don’t ask what’s in the “special” curry)…

…but maybe steer clear of any establishment that encourages you to discuss hardness around children, even very hot ones.

Speaking of heat – contrary to what some of Japan’s vending machines claim, they don’t dispense actual fire. So disappointing; total waste of Yen. 0/5 stars, would not use for arson again.

Okay, so a little side of pyromania with lunch is out. But if you’re jonesing for some dainty, this place has you more than covered.

Or maybe you’re just looking to hang out with some groovy nuts like me; that’s cool too.

On the off chance Paula Deen happens to be reading this, don’t worry, Japan is wayyyyyyy ahead of you.

Well gosh, that sure was some good eatin’, but now Mr. Bladder has something to say about all those dainty coffees. Time to look for a bathroom, li’l samurai.

Ahhhhh, that’s better.

Now that you’re fed, let’s go do something cultural. Why don’t you hit up a temple or a shrine? For a mere couple hundred yen, you can write a nice wish for peace and goodwill and hang it on a wall for all to see.

Don’t forget to include your social media handles so Buddha can follow you on Insta. Dude’s enlightened, not psychic, amirite?

Well, it’s been a long day of food, drink, tidal wave awareness and prayers for Kanye. Time to hop on a train back to the hotel.

What’s that? Just missed the train? Not to worry, another will be along shortly.

In the meantime, why not indulge in a little balance beam hat fishing? Just ask one of the station employees to show you how.

Whoops, train’s here! Told you another one would be along soon. Better grab up all those hats you won and get in there before the doors close.

Now, don’t forget the three crucial steps for observing proper transit protocol in Japan:

  1. Turn off your phone.
  2. Check to make sure your armpits are still there.
  3. Celebrate!

Congratulations! You’ve just survived your first day as a tourist in Japan. Now go log in to your hotel’s free Wi-Fi and watch some hentai. You’ve earned it, kiddo.

Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter J, the number 430, and the For The Love Of God Please Teach Your Anime/Manga Artists How Boobs Work Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

1 “Japan” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2016. Web. 12 April 2016.


20 thoughts on “Oh, Japan…

  1. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom; am I an elephant with antlers wearing a tutu, or a teepee with a science beaker on a chain around my neck?


  2. I had to love this post, because JAPAN. Funny and nostalgic and still educational… I knew you could get any number of things from vending machines from hot teas to CDs to undies, but I didn’t know you you could get actual flames.
    I hope that’s not racist…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Also why the heck hasn’t their hot bottled beverage magic made its way over here? It is SO amazing to be able to just grab yourself a hot coffee or tea on the go – milk, no milk, sugar, no sugar – without having to wait in line forever at Starbucks. No shitty paper cup. No flimsy travel lid to crap out on you just as you get on public transit. It’s witchcraft, I tells ya, and I want it!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m slightly disappointed that the vending machine didn’t dispense actual fire because it seems like Japanese vending machines dispense everything else.
    Although I’m even more disappointed that the coffee drink advertised in the commercials with Tommy Lee Jones playing an alien pretending to be Tommy Lee Jones isn’t sold here. I don’t care what it tastes like. The commercials are brilliant and deserve to be rewarded.
    Ah well, I guess I just need to go to Japan.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. These are awesome! It’s hard to pick a favorite. For me it’s mostly a toss up between the fire vending machine and the sign that says “Butter”. Did you ever find out what it means? I kind of need to know. Or else I’ll be awake at 3AM wondering…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Butter is a restaurant, and a rather fabulous one at that. Our friend who lives in Yokohama took us there for breakfast before we had to catch our train to the airport.

      I ordered a savory pancake platter that came with anchovy butter. It was delicious.


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