It’s 3am and I’m hurting.

hurt
verb
1. To suffer pain or grief.Merriam-Webster1
2. Something everybody does sometimes, according to R.E.M. – The Nut


It’s 3am and I hurt everywhere.

My husband snores softly beside me. He dropped off the moment his head hit the pillow. I envy him that.

I get up and read to the point of exhaustion before trying my hand at sleep again. Surely if I can barely keep my eyes open in a chair, I’ll drift right off once in bed.

But I hurt everywhere. And sleep will not come to me, droopy eyelids or no.

I am a no man’s land of discomfort. My feet are too cold, my legs are restless, and there is no position I can lie in that some part of me will not dispute within a matter of minutes.

I am an angry, hurty ball of sleepless desperation.

And nothing can make it better.

It’s 4am and I’m 32 and hurting.

Our parents are anxious for us to give them grandchildren. Me? I think a baby might actually kill me. That’s all I fucking need, another reason for me to never get a decent night’s rest.

I guess we could scream and wail and be miserable together. They say everything’s more fun with a friend.

Except eventually the baby would figure out how to sleep through the night. Which is great for the baby, but then I’d just be back to square one. Hurting and alone.

I win and lose a few more games of Two Dots.

I give sleep another try, but failure cuts in and asks for the next dance.

My refusal is ignored.

It’s 5am and I’m 32 and I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t in pain.

The frustrated tears come, finally, inevitably, and I quickly move my aching form to the living room couch so I won’t shake the bed with my muffled sobs.

A long time ago, so very long, I recall my pediatrician remarking to my mother than she had never seen a healthier child.

The memory feels like a cruel joke. Because I can recall the words, but not the state of being. I don’t remember how to not be broken. I don’t remember how to move without a crack, a twinge, a spasm. I am the Tin Man, crying out for oil, but Dorothy is long gone and no one can help me.


Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter H, the number 4, and the R.E.M.’s “Sometimes” Seems A Little Optimistic Sometimes Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

1 “hurt.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2016. Web. 9 April 2016.

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17 thoughts on “It’s 3am and I’m hurting.

  1. God love ya, Nutty. I’ve been sick and sleepless this whole past week so I can sympathize. Coincidentally, I also bought a Fitbit (b/c is was on sale half-off) and I’ve been more interested in seeing my daily sleep log than my daily step count. It turns out that I’ve been sleeping like shit ALL WEEK. I blame illness but it’s been fascinating to see how poorly I’ve been sleeping. I’ve got proof! Numbers and a chart that backs me up.

    Anyway, regarding children, only you know what’s best for you. I have friends who chose to be “child-free” and they are happy. There was a time in my early 20’s where I thought that same way. However, I can tell you that having my son is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the love and joy of my life. But it’s not a joke when they say that parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever do. It’s absolutely true.

    In any case, I hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can understand how difficult this is – I suffer from chronic pain from injuries and PTSD and a good night’s sleep? Can’t remember if I ever have slept. And there is nothing like the absolute dead exhaustion of desperately needing sleep, but not being able to get comfortable, and then having to search out a “safe space” because the pain and frustration is too overwhelming. It totally sucks.

    As for kids? 32 – young enough …. but if your health is less than stellar, then well, you – and only you – can decide what is best.

    Hope that you find some relief soon.

    Liked by 1 person

      • absolutely spot on …. and it is such a drain, because you are never rested, your brain is always tired and yet each day you have to get up and face whatever is your reality ….. and it’s like really bad nightmare …. you never can catch your breath!

        hope you find … or rather sleep, quality sleep finds you sooner than later …. with a whole lot of less pain.

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  3. Sounds so much like the struggle my hubby goes through, that my heart just bleeds for you! I have my restless nights. Times I want to cut my legs off at the knees. I’ve found many medications make my legs worse. I have also found sitting very low to the floor during the day and wearing flats help a lot with that. I have also found that laying flat on my stomach, something about the pressure on my kneecaps will make them shut up. BUT, if one suffers from other problems, aches and pains, I don’t know if they could stand to lay that way. Perhaps you should just close those sleepy eyes right in that chair and get what you can where you can. Prayers are with you!
    Revisit the Tender Years with me during the #AtoZChallenge at Life & Faith in Caneyhead!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a nice thought, the chair, but I’ve only managed to fall asleep upright about half a dozen times in my adult life. I envy Nutty Hubby’s ability to fall asleep in any weird contorted position he likes. What a jerk. 😉

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  4. I love your tags–too funny! As for your sleepless nights, I’m so sorry. I don’t have bodily aches per se but insomnia is definitely something I struggle with. Add a 10 month old to the sleepless mix and I’m always hurting. We should start a little support group. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So you’re Nutty AND Tinny?
    You poor thing. Nothing so frustrating as being exhausted and not being able to sleep, because you’re so tired you don’t have the usual coping mechanisms for being frustrated. And it is LITERALLY THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD. I just cry. And swear.
    I hope tonight’s better for you hun xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think my brain’s finally back on Vancouver time now, so that helps a bit. I swam laps last night to ease myself back into exercise after almost two weeks of nothing but touristy walking, and then slept solidly for seven hours, which is pretty much unheard of for me. I don’t expect that kind of luck to last, but it was a nice surprise.

      Like

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