The Nut’s New Fashion Laws

designer
noun
1. A person who plans how something new will look and be made : a person who creates and often produces a new product, style, etc.. – Merriam-Webster¹
2. Someone who believes women shouldn’t be allowed to own pants with pockets that can hold more than a stick of Juicy Fruit. – The Nut

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Dear Designers,

*rolls up newspaper*

BAD DESIGNER, NO!

NO NO NO NO NO!

STOP IT.

Don’t look at me like that. You know damn well which “it” I mean. The ridiculous charade that is women’s fashion, of course. Yeah, that. Thought you could get away with that, didn’t you?

Nope. I’m noping the shit out the whole shebang, and here’s why.

1. Women have boobs.

Riiiiiiiight, those. Your waif-like models don’t really have much in the way of those, do they? Well here’s a pickle; the people you’re expecting to actually buy the things your toothpick muse just paraded down the runway? THEY HAVE THEM. Sometimes in great abundance. And if the fancy embroidered yoke on that Grecian-inspired tank top you have planned for your summer collection is so tight and unyielding that it cuts off circulation to the girls, then congratulations, you’ve just said a nice big “go fuck yourself” to the entire well-endowed population of your potential client base.

Of course some of you *cough ABERCROMBIE cough cough FITCH* seem to think alienating paying customers is the goal in this business anyway. And if that’s your modus operandi, fine by me. My money looks a lot nicer lining my own pockets than yours anyway.

At least…it would, if I had pockets.

2. REAL POCKETS. GIVE ME THEM.

Whoops, silly me. I forgot. I’m a woman. I don’t deserve pockets, at least, not working ones. Not according to you. That’s what my purse is for, right? Because there’s no way any self-respecting woman would leave the house without an entire makeup counter, half the medicine cabinet, an emergency pair of hose, and an extra large binder full of credit cards stuffed into her $800 Coach bag, is there?

Or is there?

Only one way to find out.

No. More. Fake. Pockets.

And for the love of god, enough with these so-called excuses for “cargo pants” whose pockets would burst just trying to contain a tube of cherry Chapstick. I mean, without cherry Chapstick, how are any of us supposed to kiss a girl and like it?

Pockets: do it for Katy Perry.

3. Speaking of Katy Perry, curves are a thing. Please design accordingly.

Do you know how many dressy button down shirts I currently own?

One.

Do you know why?

Because once was my limit for the amount of tailoring I had to do to make the goddamn thing wearable.

Apparently in the design world, you’re allowed tits OR a waist, but not both (I know we already touched on tits – *snicker* – but in my opinion this bears repeating). Buy a shirt that fits your waist, and your boobs come spilling out the second you do something silly like trying to breathe. Buy a shirt that accommodates the ladies, and your midsection might as well be hosting the circus for all the extra space there is in that tent.

“But Nutty,” you protest, “that’s why we put darts in women’s shirts! Problem solved!”

FIE, say I, FIE! YOUR DARTS DO NOTHING.

Go spend some quality time with an hourglass and then get back to me about your stupid darts. The Wicked Witch of the West has a nice one you can study. You guys can talk shoes while you’re at it, I hear she has a thing for those too.

4. And hey, as long as we’re trekking around Oz, how about a more comfortable ruby slipper?

Effective yesterday, built-in memory foam shall be mandatory for all non-athletic shoes. ‘Nuff said.

5. THIS BULLSHIT WILL STOP IMMEDIATELY:

Words cannot express my loathing for the phenomenon of the silky surplus strap.

Need to hang a strapless dress? A suede skirt? An off-the-shoulder sweater? Sure, these little bonus straps’ll come in handy.

But why in H&M’s holy heaven would you put the fuckers on a tank top that already has perfectly good straps? For funzies? Was the silk strap person at the factory bored, or just an asshole?

I need answers, dammit.

6. Standardized sizing for all.

Enough. Enough with the goddamn vanity sizing.

You’re not fooling anyone.

So get together, all of you, and figure it out. Because I’m really tired of being a size 6-or-maybe-an-8-or-even-a-10-if-I’m-shopping-somewhere-kinda-pretentious-but-then-sometimes-a-4-at-Old-Navy-but-only-in-this-one-particular-style-of-jeans. Really tired.

Be scientific enough about it and maybe, just maybe, someday I can go shopping for one new pair of pants without having to take five different sizes into the fitting room with me.

What a day that would be.

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Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter D, the number 6 (4? 19?), and the While We’re At It Please Stop Making Men’s Skinny Jeans Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

¹ “designer.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2016. Web. 4 April 2016.