16 things that still suck in 2016.

Well, the holidays are long gone, and with them any inclination I had of being all happy and grateful. In my calendar, gratitude departs with December. And then in strolls that colossal douchecanoe, January, patron saint of grouchiness and gripes, and the world goes back to its usual petty little self again.

Remember all those nice things I said about 2015? Fuck ’em.

Now is the winter of our discontent.

1. Cold toilet seats. It’s 7am on a frosty January morning and it’s still dark out. You don’t want to leave your bed and its safe cocoon of warm, comfy blankets, but you know you have to get up because of stupid work and responsibility. So you sigh, haul yourself to your feet, and tiptoe to the bathroom for a wee…only to have the toilet seat latch on to your ass with the icy power of a thousand Antarctic blizzards. Because mornings weren’t bad enough already without adding a frostbitten kiester into the bargain.

2. Stupid work and responsibility. While I would never under any circumstances want to go back and relive my childhood, sometimes being an adult just really sucks.

3. Taxes. Not the part where I have to pay them, but rather the part of my job where I have to explain them to other people.

Like, oh, I don’t know, our vendors’ accountants.

I wish I were kidding. There’s a certain air of quiet desperation that comes of having to patiently teach another company’s accounting department how to accurately demand money from you.

4. Taxes. The part where I have to pay them.

5. Migraines. By my calculations I have already spent approximately 1/6 of 2016 under the impression that someone is playing my skull like a drum. Only instead of drumsticks they’re using ice picks and hammers, because I guess they want to be more metal or something? Don’t look at me, I don’t know how these things work.

TL;DR: My head hurts. Probably because of taxes.

6. Cancer. That asshole of a disease that so recently robbed us of the tremendously talented David Bowie and Alan Rickman, among others, while dimwits like Justin Bieber and the collective Kardashians continue to walk the earth, wasting our air and leaving a toxic trail of self-satisfied selfie-spamming twatwafflery in their wake with every entitled step.

Not that I’m wishing cancer on Bieber or the Kardashians. Okay maybe I am a little bit. And maybe that makes me a terrible person. But come on, cancer! Kardashians are a dime a dozen, but we only had one Goblin King. Where is the justice? I ask you…

7. “Female problems.” I am so over owning a uterus. Can’t we just make the womb an optional in-app purchase already instead of it coming standard with the female body? There’s a good chance I’ll never even use mine for its intended purpose. Couldn’t I transfer it over to someone who needs one more than me?

And if you think those Powerball tickets were a waste of money, try a lifetime of buying tampons. At least the lottery offers you a chance, however slim, of getting something good back. What kind of victory do you get from frittering away your hard-earned cash on cotton crotch-stoppers? The satisfaction of having clean underwear? Well gee whiz, start the fuckin’ parade, I’m a winner!

8. Post-nasal drip. The bane of my existence since age 15. I used to keep a bottle of oil of oregano with me everywhere to help keep this chronic clingy bastard at bay. Until one day the dropper cap came loose and everything in my purse became permanently infused with the concentrated aromatic power of a thousand Italian kitchens. Since then I’ve opted to leave the oil at home and just make really gross snorting and hacking noises whenever my own mucus threatens to choke me in public. Judging by the looks I get, I’m assuming it gives me a certain je ne sais quoi. Okay, maybe less je ne sais quoi and more what the fuck.

In conclusion, post-nasal drip can go fellate itself with a blender.

(I’m not posting an image for that. Just use your imagination.)

9. Calories. Oh hey, remember me? I’m all those Christmas cookies and mince pies and white chocolate Toblerones you devoured so passionately during your month of eating dangerously! Well, you seemed to really like me, and guess what? I like you too! So much that I’m never leaving you! I found some prime real estate available on your thighs, and by golly I just moved right on in. Hey, wait a minute, why are you renewing your gym membership…?

10. Our friendly neighborhood poop bandits. Picture it, Vancouver, 2016. The future of Back to the Future Part II is now the past. We have hoverboards – sort of – and a lovable new Star Wars droid. And yet there are still people who don’t understand that picking up after your dog doesn’t just involve the bagging of your pooch’s poop, but also the removal of it from the scene of the crime. Everywhere I go, I find abandoned shitsacks. What the fuck, poop bandits, what the fuck?

A walk to the gym earlier this week took me past no fewer than three lawns decorated with neatly knotted plastic bags of still-steaming crap nuggets, and I just don’t get the logic. You’ve already done the gross bit of the actual picking up; what exactly is so difficult about toting your little doggie bag another block or two until you find a trash can to chuck it in? The part where you have to be a decent human being, I guess.

11. Idiot gymgoers. So you made a resolution to work out at least twice this year. Good for you. I applaud your determination, I really do.

But if you have no earthly idea of how to get your feet wet in the wide world of workouts, ASK SOMEONE FOR HELP. If not for your sake, then for the staff’s; the poor unfortunate souls who’ll have to clean up after you accidentally decapitate yourself trying to do lat pulldowns with your neck. Be honest with yourself: do your push-ups look a little like you’re trying to do The Worm? Did you almost take off a finger trying to adjust the seat on the recumbent bike? Maybe you should take the gym up on that New Year’s deal they’re having on personal training sessions.

Remember: no matter how tan and ripped you are, trying to operate the rowing machine with your feet impresses no one.

12. Idiot drivers. So you don’t understand how black ice works. Why are all these cars around you approaching stop signs extra slowly? Solution: Take corners just as fast as you normally would, silly! What could possibly go wrong?

13. Asshole drivers. So you don’t understand how roundabouts work. Okay, you do, you just don’t care, because you clearly have more important places to be than the rest of these yahoos on the road! Solution: Assume the right of way and cut everyone off while honking and dropping f-bombs out the window. Everybody wins!

14. Strangers patronizingly telling you to smile. I’m sorry my resting bitch face doesn’t help you meet your forced cheerfulness quota for the day, but that’s your problem, not mine.

15. Donald Trump. ‘Nuff said.

16. When literally all the avocados at the grocery store are underripe. You know, as much as everything else on this list blows, I think this might be the worst one. There’s just nothing more depressing than an unripe avocado.


So. How’s your January going?

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31 thoughts on “16 things that still suck in 2016.

  1. Argh roundabout and pedestrian crossing arseholes! Unripe avocados! (especially unripe avos that cost $3.50 each and then you have to WAIT for a day or more before you can actually enjoy it, may as well fucking grow my own) And Donald Trump! But at least he’s not trying to become the leader of MY country. So many lols in this post but even more head nods in agreement – that shit will always suck!

    Liked by 1 person

      • I always wonder if, in a billion years, future anthropologists dig up a site and find dog poop bags (’cause you know the nasty-ass bags some people use will last that long…), will they think that the dogs were the masters and we were their slaves? That we, as their slaves, picked up and kept their poop fresh in special bags as a worship-type thing, then laid them as offerings at the feet of trees and plants? (or in the case of some of us, in special receptacles along with other offerings?) (trash cans)
        That’s how my mind works.
        Then, I snap out of it and just want to stab the morons who leave dogs crap bags in my plants. Hard.
        Oh, and for a while, our village-idiot neighbor was throwing his dog’s shit-bags toward his garbage can (rather than walking the damn 10 feet to put them in), and they’d end up in our yard. We actually had to ask him NOT TO DO THAT, if you can imagine, and he never apologized.
        Small wonder I’m stabby.

        Like

  2. Post nasal drip and strangers telling me to smile! Yes! I snort all day long and then clear my throat.. I don’t even notice it anymore but I probably sound like I have Tourette’s. Who knows, maybe I do! And I had a stranger in a parking lot look at me and say, “it’s not that bad, is it?” HA!
    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel like food is judging me. Just as I go to reach for another chip, it looks at me and says “Seriously?” Can I add that to your list? And dry January and all the miserable dryer-outers who shove it in your face as you salute them with your wine while they drool. They can be added too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Completely with you on the list.
    My apartment complex has gone way over the top on poop patrol. Now they’re requiring all canine residents to come to the office for a DNA cheek swab. All abandoned poop is now sent for *DNA testing* and should the test point to your precious pup, you will be billed $350 for the privilege of having them pick up the poop. I think the world has lost its collective mind.
    Thanks for the chuckles this morning.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So true on all counts (except taxes because somehow I got away with forgetting to pay them in 2009 and nothing has happened to me yet. although I do fear that the government might be waiting for a time in my life when I feel settled and safe money-wise so they can be like, “HEY ALANNA! REMEMBER WHEN YOU FORGOT TO SEND US YOUR W-2 20 YEARS AGO?! WE DO AND WE’VE BEEN ADDING 10000% INTEREST AND PENALTY FEES EVERY YEAR SO WE CAN TAKE YOUR HOUSE, MONEY, AND POSSIBLY YOUR CHILDREN!!!) My January has been pretty lame and filled with schoolwork and cleaning my apartment (like that’s even a thing?), but I’ve been keeping my spirits up by maxing out my credit card buying novelty jewelry from Etsy and Amazon.com. Also, Nyquil. Lots of Nyquil…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I second that emotion! Especially 6 and 7! It’s astounding just how many people are affected by cancer! And, of course about half the population has to deal with the monthly horror! Augh!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m glad the underripe avocados made the list. They really put things in perspective. Cancer, migraines, Donald Trump–all are terrible diseases, but one buffer we have against them is guacamole.
    Although I’m also annoyed by the post-holiday season when all my clothes seem to shrink.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Fucking January. Worst month of the year, and as my son says every morning when I beat him to the bus stop — “First is worst”. He may be on to something. We got a blizzard last week. That was fun. I figure, if it’s going to snow, it ought to SNOW. None of this 4-6 inches crap. Go big or go home. Or back to the Atlantic. Whatever. It’s almost Valentines day, though. I love V-Day, it’s my favorite day to bitch about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “I love V-Day, it’s my favorite day to bitch about.” *snort-giggle* YES.

      Totally with you about the snow. We get maybe half an inch of slush a year if we’re lucky these days. I need to move somewhere where winter is still a real season.

      Like

  9. Not to skip over some of the more important themes in this post (like dickheads telling you to smile…Um… excuse me? Fuck right off…) but TWATWAFFLERY???? Holy shit, that is funny!!! I hope you made that up and I also hope you patented that shit because I’m about to steal it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m really not looking forward to the aspect of leaving Japan that includes leaving heated toilet seat covers behind. As bizarre as it sounded when I first came here, not I can’t imagine not having that glorious comfort during the winter. Maybe I’ll get one imported for my future dominion, haha.

    But yes, basically everything else on that list is accurate. I’ve been getting migraines, too, oddly, and I never get headaches or migraines.

    Like

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