Good news, everyone. I’m writing a bestselling novel.
*pauses momentarily for applause and pats on the back*
[10 minutes later]
Thank you, thank you. You’re very kind. Yessiree, this book’s gonna be a knockout, I can just tell. It’s almost done too. Yep, *cracks knuckles* practically all set and ready to go.
I’m not saying it’s perfect just yet. It could probably use a few tweaks here and there.
Like a plot.
And I guess a few characters couldn’t hurt.
Maybe a title. I hear publishers are sticklers for those. (Pfft, typical.)
But whatever. That’ll all come later. What matters now is that I’ve already got my book jacket review blurbs all set to go.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been getting ALL kinds of amazing feedback on this blog. You haven’t seen most of it in the comments because for some reason silly WordPress keeps sending the messages to my spam folder. I’m kind of glad about that though, because with this kind of effusive praise attached to my work, I wouldn’t want anyone to read the discussions on my posts and get intimidated or jealous at how much attention I’m receiving.
I’ve always been too humble for my own good, or so I tell myself.
But one must allow a little self-aggrandizement if one’s books are to go flying off the shelves. So I’ve sorted through my mountains of fan mail and picked out a few shining endorsements which I think should land me firmly on the New York Times Best Seller list in record time.
You just wait and see.
“No matter if some one searches for his necessary thing, so he/she wants to be available that in detail, therefore that thing is maintained over here.”
It’s true, my writing has everything.
“Often yourself with a personality that has trouble struggling with noxious on its own.”
– Best Rolex Replica
A bit obscurely worded, perhaps, but what I’m taking away from this is that my [currently nonexistent] main character is totally relatable on a human level.
“Once you relax and find that sweet spot, the experience is disorientating yet mesmerising.”
*fans self furiously* Oh…oh my. This one gets me every time. Pure poetry, in its most flattering form!
“You doctor will be able to help you deal with any lasting issues.”
Oh. My. God. MY WRITING IS SO EVOCATIVE THAT IT CAN CAUSE LASTING EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.
“I need to use the toilet but there is a wasp in my bathroom.”
…who could argue?
So there you have it! I feel good, guys. I feel pumped. With my future accolades all sorted out, I’m totally ready to sit down and actually write this book that everyone is already so excited about.
Wish me luck.
(Ha! Like I need it!)