I’ve got something to tell you all, and it isn’t good. You may want to sit down. This may come as a bit of a shock.
It appears that condoms are, well, in EVERYTHING.
That sandwich you ate for lunch? Loaded up with condoms. The carbonated drink you washed it down with? Ditto.
Even the makeup you put on this morning was most likely chock full of condoms.
I know. I was floored by the news too.
And you thought yoga mats in your Subway sandwiches were bad.
On the bright side, I guess, if you’re the type to use Reddi-Wip to get kinky in the bedroom then hey, bonus contraceptive properties!
(And they call me a pessimist!)
Still, I know this is one hell of a bombshell to drop on you. I’m sorry if you were reading this while eating and suddenly realized you had a mouthful of half-masticated condoms. Feel free to send me your therapy bills. I won’t pay them, but I promise I’ll feel really, really bad about how much money my writing cost you.
But it’s true. Really. This girl in my French class back in university did a whole presentation on it. I was thinking about her today and suddenly realized, holy shit, people need to know! I mean, this chick was able to talk for a full half hour about how condoms were in hundreds of thousands of consumer products that we just unthinkingly take into our bodies and smear on our faces; like, how has this not made national headlin-
Oh, shoot. Hang on a tick.
Um, yeah. Never mind. Cancel the freakouts.
I forgot the part where our professeur finally took pity on the girl and informed her that he was fairly sure she had intended to give her presentation on the potential dangers of conservateurs, or preservatives, in consumer products…
…and not preservatifs, as she was repeating over and over, which meant something very, very different.
False alarm. Carry on.