NanoPoblano, Day 9: The appropriate hour to lose one’s shit.

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown somewhere around 4 this morning, because everyone knows 4am is the best time to suddenly start sobbing violently into your pillow because you’ve realized you have no fucking clue how you’ve managed to reach the age of 32 and still not have mustered up any semblance of a real career, nor the faintest idea how you might land yourself on the path to one that you might find even remotely tolerable.

Okay, maybe not the best thing to try and come to terms with when sunrise is still three hours away.

But there it is.

My husband just got a rather sizeable raise and a whopping great dose of job stability at his work immediately upon our return from Japan.

He landed his current job nearly a year ago, after we lived almost solely on my income for two years so he could go back to school and get training in a field that didn’t make him lose the will to live. He is now doing what he loves, and getting increasingly well-compensated for it into the bargain.

Well enough that he’s arguing it’s my turn to have my own chance at a new start.

Which is thoughtful and all, except *BRAIN EXPLODES*.

I hate my work. There’s no denying it. I only took the stupid job as an easy paycheck and a placeholder in my resume because I couldn’t find anything else on my return home from grad school abroad.

At the time I thought I was accepting a temporary position helping a small business prepare and migrate data during a major system upgrade. Key word, temporary.

Five years later, I’m 50% of their full-time accounting staff and I have NO FUCKING IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED because the two things I loathe most on this earth are math and managing other people’s money.

I’ve wished meteor strikes on that building. I’ve had days where I’d rather my car be totaled on the way to work than have to deal with the asshattery waiting for me. I fantasize about quitting more than I fantasize about baked goods and chocolate.

But I’ve gotten so firmly wedged into this rut, I’ve never bothered trying to think about what I would actually do if I ever got free.

Which is why I kind of lost it when that became a real possibility.

My husband says, “I just want you to be happy,” and suddenly I’m trapped in the Total Goddamn Perspective Vortex of You Have No Career Path, panicking.

Because what it all boils down to is that I have two useless degrees, seven years of customer service experience, five years of office experience, and dick all else to my name as far as hireability goes.

So any other job I even remotely qualify for at present is just going to be more of the same fucking bullshit I’m already dealing with on a daily basis, except likely with nowhere near as kickass a manager to vent to.

Unless I go back to school…
…but for WHAT?

For the fun of it, I guess. Because there is practically nothing that truly interests me that you can actually make a living from, or that doesn’t take 8 years of apprenticeships to learn.

I haven’t been this bewildered and unsettled in a long time. I don’t know how things got this way, and I can’t turn back the hands of time to do over the parts where I fucked it all up. I just came home from a foreign land, but I’m still completely lost.

I sound like a frightened little child, and that’s how I feel. Seriously, how can I be this far into my life and not know anything?

I don’t expect answers. I don’t expect sympathy. I don’t expect anything. I just needed to take this space and let myself be frazzled and shaken and terrified and pathetic, and acknowledge that I am all those things so that I can start working on not being them.

And I’ve still got my fingers crossed for that meteor.

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15 thoughts on “NanoPoblano, Day 9: The appropriate hour to lose one’s shit.

  1. In case it’s useful …

    I’ve been the breadwinner the last six-ish years. When my husband had a big career bump a little more than a year ago, I was excited and … terrified. Until he got that, I was “forced” to just keep doing what I was doing because I needed to pay the bills. Reckoning with the idea that I might soon-ish be able to do something else was terrifying. I didn’t have a @$^@$^ clue what that “else” might be.

    I’m still not totally sure what that might be. I do know that I’m a little more open to it, and glad that I don’t have to work out what It is right this very moment. I don’t need to know right now, after all; I just have to be willing to seek it, and I am. Slowly. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, that really helps a lot to hear. I know my husband is really excited that we’re in a position where I can finally pursue something new, but when he brought it up, I just felt so put on the spot. I feel like I’m spoiling the party by not being on the ball and knowing where to go from here, but it’s so much to take in after just doing what I gotta do to get by for so long. I’m sure I’ll figure things out, in my own time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: NanoPoblano, Day 10: Keep calm and giggle like a naughty child. | Spoken Like A True Nut

  3. It sucks to not know what you want to be when you grow up…when you’re already a grownup. I wish I could offer something other than sympathy. I think the frustration you’re feeling inspired one of my favorite art works, Alberto Giacometti’s “The Palace At 4AM.”
    Except I’m pretty sure Giacometti knew he wanted to be a sculptor at that point.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hate that feeling too. My current job I only took because it was better than my previous one, retail!. I loathe retail. But, I’ve been here for 4 years and would love something different. What that different is I have no idea. My wife always asks me don’t you want a better job, don’t you want a different job. Well yeah! But what is that better, different job? I have no $%&#-ing idea! Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t afford to do what I’d like to for a living so I do it as a volunteer position and I just sleep walk through my day job so I can do my other one. Not exactly inspiring to those around me, but it’s my way of coping with doing the adult.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. At least you didn’t get all the way to 49 before having that breakdown. You’ve got time. Why not put int he 8 years of apprenticeship? You’ll be done by the time you’re 40. That’s when life really starts anyways, isn’t it? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Your comment about marrying hubby being your best grownup decision-ME TOO! *fistbump. That and moving to Queensland, which is where I found him. And finally found my dream career in tourism as well! Bonus! I haven’t figured out yet if I was running to my destiny by following my heart or some bullshit like that, or just running away from another ball freezing winter down south. I was nearly 30 and starting to wonder when, if ever, I’d figure out what the hell to do with my life. Now I know what I want to do, I need to figure out how the hell to actually do it. Aarrgghh…

    Liked by 1 person

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