It is entirely possible that I have stolen someone’s underwear.

I just noticed three quarters of the way through the work day that I had my thong on inside out.

This happens more often than I’d like to admit. You would think I’d be more adept at putting on underwear in the dark after all my years of practice, but at the age of 32 I’m fairly sure I actually manage to screw it up more than I ever did as a child. Maybe not. Maybe I was just better at not noticing that my underwear was inside out when I was a kid.

Maybe it’s also a testament to how exhausted I am lately that I briefly considered just leaving it on as is.

But I knew it would haunt me all day if I did.

Plus it’s not like I had this undergarment epiphany on the bus or something. This wasn’t a Mr. Bean at the beach situation. No, I was in the goddamn ladies’ room, a place specifically designed to grant you the privacy in which to be naked from the waist down. HOW LAZY ARE YOU, NUTTY?

So I sighed and began taking off my shoes. Of course I would be wearing the absolute worst clothing for a hasty panty inversion: black skinny jeans and lace-up boots. God forbid I screw up basic lingerie protocol on a day when I’m in easily removable cargo pants and flats.

The skinny jeans, being skinny, took some tugging to get off, so I had a real good long time to stare at my own crotch. And suddenly, a terrible thought hit me.

Is this…is this even my underwear?

I realized I had no recollection of ever buying these panties.

Um…

My brain, searching for a logical explanation, went into checklist mode.

Are they your size? Yes, they fit perfectly. That means almost nothing. Do you have any idea how many people wear size Medium underwear?

Is there a tag? No, the tag’s been cut out, which is admittedly something I do with all my skivvies, because I’ve never found washing instructions poking out of lacy knickers to be terribly alluring. So that might potentially be a point in the “I am not a panty purloiner” column. But without the tag, I have no way to check if it’s even my brand. Besides, I can’t be the only one who de-tags all their underthings. I think we can all agree that the human buttcrack is a place where “do not iron” advice  just isn’t necessary.

What about the lace trim? Is it the same lace as you have on your other underwear? Let’s see, off the top of my head, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. I’m not a tatting expert. Sorry if I didn’t think to carry a spare pair in case I needed it for a goddamn forensic comparison.

So what we have here is just a plain red thong with no tag and unidentifiable lace that that may or may not have been somehow filched by accident last time you did laundry. Looks that way. It wouldn’t be the first time someone else’s stuff has mysteriously gotten into our dryer. Just the first time I didn’t notice before I actually wore one of the things.

Well, fuck. Yep.

Maybe they are yours and you’re just going senile. Also possible.

I hate to ask, but is this mystery underwear at least clean? Blissfully spotless. Like new.

So. Uhhh…*ahem*…finders keepers then? I want to be grossed out by that, but I’ve already been wearing these all day so it’s a little late. Yeah, why the fuck not. Congratulations, self, on the unexpected acquisition of a new red thong. Or your rediscovery of an old one you forgot you had. Either way, clean, comfy underwear, woo!

Awesome! Let’s never speak of this again. Huh? Oh, yeah, of course…

Let me just quickly tell the whole internet about it first.

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19 thoughts on “It is entirely possible that I have stolen someone’s underwear.

  1. This is very funny, but I’m kind of fixated on the fact that you turn your underwear the right way round upon discovering that it is inside out. Is that what everyone does? Because I just sigh, resign myself to the fact that I’m so terrible at being an adult that I can’t even put on underwear correctly, and then just go with it for the rest of the day. Am I even doing THAT wrong?

    Liked by 4 people

    • Hahaha, no, I’m fairly sure I’m the odd one out here. I’m just super anal retentive about things being out of place or otherwise existing “the wrong way” in my mind. You’re talking to someone who’s actually straightened the papers in the recycling bin under her desk because they were too messily arranged. The underwear thing would have driven me batty the whole rest of the day.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha, this is one of the problems with having a girlfriend when you yourself are also a woman, and share sizes. We often shop at the same location, and when it comes to socks and underwear, we’ve had to start tagging in permanent marker…. just like when I was kidlet with a sister who shared my drawers (the wooden ones, not the fabric ones. 😉 )

    Liked by 2 people

    • Okay this is where I admit that 1) I do some of my pants shopping in the men’s department because by god I WILL have functional pockets at least some of the time, and 2) my husband and I are freakishly matched in body size and actually have the same waistband measurement for menswear. With only a slightly different inseam to distinguish whose are whose, we have definitely accidentally stolen each other’s pants before.

      He also managed to steal my underwear once…but only due to the miracle of static cling. I don’t know why my undies almost exclusively like sticking to his clothes in the dryer, but I’ve pulled my thongs out of his t-shirts more times than I can count. Apparently that laundry day I missed one.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Once I went around all day with an underpants stuck in the leg of my jeans. I thought that leg seemed a little tight. And I used to put my stretched-out undies into the rag bag, until the day hubby was painting, came inside and grabbed a “rag”, took it outside to wipe his hands, and got caught with it. No more!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so glad other people are also waring their undies inside out. This happens to me more than I’d like to admit. Usually if I notice, I’m like, “Fuck it”. It doesn’t bother me. However, I do have weird anal tendencies like the tag on the sheets have to go on the bottom. I make us start over and put the sheet on all over again if it’s upside down. It makes my husband insane. Last weekend we he helped me put the fitted sheet on our son’s bed and then said, “We should turn the mattress”. And I was like, “But the tag will be upside down!”. He did it anyway and I try not to think about it. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You’ve tapped into one of the advantages of age-related memory loss: wonderful surprises pop up every day! Hey, you’ve got a brand new thong! Of course you discover it in the bathroom hours after you put it on, but it’s still a surprise.
    Of course there’s also the possibility that your husband bought them and put them in there as a surprise. I know this is extremely unlikely so I would also suggest you not watch the movie “Gaslight”.
    This also reminds me of the time I was in the library and found a pair of black Victoria’s Secret underwear on a shelf at about eye level.
    I’d still love to know the story behind that although it may not be nearly as interesting as the story I imagined.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Most definitely unlikely that they were a surprise from my husband. I married a man who has zero problem picking up a jumbo box of tampons for me at the store, but would sooner jump into a volcano than take one step inside a Victoria’s Secret. And you know what? I’m very much okay with those priorities.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. So, I have to ask – how did you discover your panties were inside out to begin with? Are you some sort of super-sensitive that can tell when a seam is there (or, if they were inside out – not there?) Which leads me to wonder – wouldn’t they be more comfortable inside out (of course, we’re talking about a thong – are they EVER comfortable?)

    Like

    • Haha, no, I don’t have some kind of super vagoo, I just happened to spot my mistake during a routine trip to the ladies’.

      I’ve actually always found thongs super comfortable and prefer them to all other styles. I know there are many out there who would strongly disagree, which is fine, because MORE THONGS FOR ME.

      Like

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