You know, I was starting to think I wasn’t going to have anything to write about this week. I’ve been depressed and work has sucked, and even though Nutty Hubby and I went on a mini-vacation to Whistler last weekend to get away from it all, all that did was make me want to stay in Whistler and never come back.
And then I checked my email.
Oh, Shoppers Drug Mart, you always send me the best things.
As you may remember, I had a grand old time poking fun at Chanel last month around Mother’s Day due to their crystal whiskey decanter Eau Première campaign.
Silly me, I thought that was an easy target. But this? This is shooting fish in a barrel. A giant motherfucking crystal barrel.
Let’s savor the ridiculousness slowly, and with purpose.
It’s Friday night. You, two of your best gal pals and your token black friend all decide to go bowling in your girliest matching midriff-baring outfits. After sweet-talking the pimple-faced teenager at the register into letting you bowl in your Victorian-wannabe boots instead of the pungent and slightly moist rental shoes they make the less attractive people wear, you hit the lanes…and proceed to trash the place by chucking large glass bottles of heavily scented ethanol at more large glass bottles of heavily scented ethanol, cheering as they explode into one big alcoholic slipping hazard hosting a minefield of microscopic crystal shards.
Sounds like a great time, right? Right?
Charlotte, you didn’t say “Right!” with the others. Take the fucking stick out of your ass and try again.
Jesus Christ, Nikki, what have we told you about bringing your trampoline to league nights? Cut that shit out or we won’t be taken seriously.
We’re blazing a feminine and elegant trail, here, girls. A feminine and elegant trail with a burst of nostril-twitching citrus scent, and ten frames’ worth of broken glass. We are joyful, we are unexpectedly radiant, and we are fucking fabulous.
Now let’s get out of here. These fumes are making me woozy.
But wait, there’s more! Here’s a bonus video if you’re like me and wanted to see the entire train wreck in motion.
I think my favorite moment is at 0:16-0:17 when poor Token Black thinks she’s getting the first high five and then valiantly tries to save face by clasping her hands together as Little Red gives priority to Blondie in the middle instead.
UPDATE: Oh god, the ad played on TV last night while Nutty Hubby and I were watching Cutthroat Kitchen. IT FOLLOWED ME HOME.