Seeing red, caring not.

red light
noun
1. A signal to stop, esp. a red traffic signal in a system of traffic lights.Collins Dictionary1
2. Stop? – Drivers
3. Yes. – The Law
4. Do I have to? – Drivers
5. Yes. – The Law
6. But I don’t want to. – Drivers
7. You still have to. – The Law
8. Are you sure? – Drivers
9. Yes. – The Law
10. Can I get a second opinion? – Drivers
11. No. – The Law
12. Why? – Drivers
13. Because THE FUCKING LAW, that’s why. – The Law


Hey. Hey. Hey. Buddy. Hey.

Yeah, you.

Hi.

Whatcha doin’?

I see you’ve made the bold choice of continually inching forward through that red light.

Forgive my ignorance, but…why?

Do you think that if you move really, really slowly, you can maybe phase through the intersection?

Or are you under the impression that your super secretive and not at all obvious creeping will somehow influence the traffic signal in your favor?

Spoiler alert: it won’t.

I know it won’t, because we’ve danced this little dance a thousand times, you and I, and it always goes the same way. Tell me if this sounds familiar.

The light turns red, and we both come to a full stop.

“I stopped at the light. Where’s my pat on the back?”

So the light’s been red for a grand total of two seconds. That’s plenty, right? It could change back to green at any second. You need to be prepared, man. You need to be the first horse out of the gate!

Go ahead, creep forward a little. No one will notice.

“You can’t see me, I’m a ninja.”

Hmm…the light’s still red. Oh well, just more time to prepare for the green! What if you creep forward a bit more and nose over this solid white line? That’ll really give you the advantage!

“HOLY SHIT THIS IS SAVING ME SO MUCH TIME. I AM A GODDAMN MASTER OF EFFICIENCY. BOW TO THE MASTER, PUNY MORTALS!”

Aw hell, go on, mosey into the crosswalk a little. You’ve earned it. What are all those pedestrians wasting their time walking for anyway?

“Look at all these people staring at me. They must realize how awesome I am.”

You know what? You’ve gone this far, let’s block the crosswalk entirely. In for a penny…

“Making people walk all the way around my car just means that they get to admire it from all angles! Man, I should’ve thought of this ages ago.”

Is that light seriously still red? Maybe your eyesight’s just not what it used to be. You should get a bit closer just to be sure.

“Darn, still red. Wait, what if I’m colorblind?”

Okay, so you’ve almost just had your front bumper sheared off by a passing bus. You know what’s always fun? Reversing. Let’s do a little of that! Which you totally meant to do eventually anyway because you were only moving forward temporarily to do a bit of recon, right? All part of your devious plan, you sly fox, you.

“PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE SUN VISOR.”

Well, this has been fun, but the light turned green while you were backing up, so I’m gonna get going. You take care now!

“…fuck.”

The End.


Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter R, a $167 fine, and the WhereDoYouThinkYOU’REGoing? Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

1 “red light.” CollinsDictionary.com. Collins Dictionary, 2015. Web. 21 April 2015.

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6 thoughts on “Seeing red, caring not.

  1. Oh my god…. SO. MANY. TIMES. It’s really, really bad in Japan, because they don’t even have the same laws about stopping that we do, and everyone feels free to break them anyway. Drives me bonkers!

    Like

  2. But it’s hilarious when they have another incher behind them – who stays right on their tail, inch by inch. Then, when the first guy gets out there a bit too much and wants to back up – he can’t. He’s trapped in the intersection and has to wonder for the next 30-45 second if his precious car might be rammed – as he deserves.

    Liked by 1 person

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