No really, it wasn’t bacon.

bacon
noun
1. Thin strips of salted and smoked meat from the sides and the back of a pig.
Merriam-Webster1
2. 40% saturated fat in a conveniently portable crispy stick of sodium-laden porkflesh.
The Nut


Bacon is overrated. There, I said it.

*waits as 99% of her readers quietly unsubscribe*

Look, I like bacon crumbles on my baked potato as much as the next person. Club sandwich? Yum. Bacon-wrapped scallops? OMG, sheer genius. I understand perfectly well that bacon in moderate quantities can be delicious. But bacon bowls? Bacon-wrapped pizza? Bacon-blanketed Thanksgiving turkey? Aren’t we getting just a touch carried away?

About six years ago I ended a nearly decade-long streak of vegetarianism after my body decided that I wasn’t going to make it through the stresses of grad school without meating it up.

Can you make an educated guess as to the first question anyone asks me when they find out I used to be a veggie?

“Was it bacon that lured you back? It was bacon, wasn’t it?” Hope sparkles in their eyes. They lean in conspiratorially as if we are sharing some great secret of the cosmos.

No. It wasn’t motherfucking bacon. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I just don’t get it. I know my husband’s a fan. On the rare occasion we go out for breakfast, I wordlessly pass him my bacon and silently judge him as he happily crunches away at his pile of salty pig fat strips.

I see at least one post about bacon in my Facebook feed each day, down from the dozen there used to be before I hid the guy whose entire wall was Bacon Central Station of the Local Universe.

I. Do. Not. Understand.

I’ve tried. I’ve made every effort to give bacon a fair chance as a food in its own right. But I always come away still mystified by its seemingly global appeal, and also somewhat thirsty.

So I have to ask, is it actual bacon, or is it the idea of bacon that we’re really so in love with here?

Before you answer that, go take a look at the Bacon Coffin. No, it’s not a joke. In fact the company has gone to great lengths to plead its not-a-jokeness to an unconvinced public.

And no, it’s not made of real bacon, but how much difference do you think that will make once Uncle Bill gets a few 6-packs of beer into him at the wake?

“Bill, please stop licking the casket.”

“Dammit woman, you grieve your way, and I’ll grieve mine.”


Today’s blog post was brought to you by the letter B, the number 1,999.oo, and the ICan’tBelieveI’mWritingAboutBacon Challenge, AKA the Blogging A to Z Challenge.

1 “bacon.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2015. Web. 2 April 2015.

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23 thoughts on “No really, it wasn’t bacon.

  1. I nearly DIED when I first saw the dedicated infomercial for that bacon-bowl thing. Then wouldn’t you know it showed up at my local Rite Aid… All the better to get us fatter and even MORE immobile so that we can point & click our way to Pajama Jeans and PeaPod online home grocery ordering & delivery. And then we’ll see those fuckers on the next episode of Gigolos as the charity-case pity-client…

    Recently I got a recipe newsletter email and it was for a breakfast pie with a BACON. CRUST. Yes – a 100% BACON lattice-weave crust. It looked gorgeous but I just CAN’T with all the baconosity going on… I occasionally enjoy eating it with breakfast but please don’t bury me in a bacon-box or use it as mummification strips to wrap my lifeless body!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Like fillyourownglass I prefer turkey bacon, but I’m not a big bacon guy. I find that bacon is really only good with something. Eggs, for instance, or maybe a bagel. Like the salt that gives it 90% of its flavor it enhances other foods, but doesn’t stand well by itself, even if you’ve microwaved it into rigid crispiness.

        Years ago my wife went vegetarian. I told her there were two things I’d never give up: fish and cheese. She told me as long as I cooked I could eat whatever I damn well pleased.

        You know what ended her vegetarian streak? Fried chicken.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Exactly. I view bacon as just another condiment. Wonderful used sparingly to complement other flavors, but insufferable in large quantities.

          Funnily enough it was a craving for fried chicken that clued me in that my body wanted me to go back to being an omnivore. I don’t even really like fried chicken, but I found myself craving it non-stop. After three weeks of having impure thoughts about KFC I took the hint. I still didn’t really want chicken, though, so I had a prawn sandwich instead. The poultry fantasies disappeared.

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  2. I do love me some bacon. I would bring it as my food on an island because it would be tasty with fish and create a lovely fatty, salty base for just about everything you cooked. I do; however, admit that I am sick of the bacon hype*. Too much of a good thing…
    * I think you giving away your bacon is sacrilege and have promptly unsubscribed! (OK, no I didn’t but I was close).

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  3. I hate the super awful “prosciutto’s white trash cousin” stuff they serve at chains–why do people find that appetizing? It’s so thin and pointless. I like my bacon with some serious belly. Thick, black-pepper crusted, smoked, and single. Don’t give me bacon pancakes.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m afraid I have to weigh into this argument with my opinion that the stuff you Americans keep calling ‘bacon’ is not bacon at all!
    No, what you have is ‘pork fat with a hint of bacon’, The Danish & the British have proper bacon, I argued about it in the comments section of my blog recently (Lose Weight, Eat Bacon!)when someone made derogatory remarks about a picture of a Bacon Sarnie on the post.
    *cue: mass un-subscription from my blog too*

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  5. *whispers* I’m also not a mega-fan of bacon… *whispers*

    My gf is Canadian. She loves bacon, cheese, and bacon-wrapped turkey. I look at the last and lose my appetite. I’ve had very good bacon… but it is so hard to cook juuuuust right for my palette that it’s easier to put a sausage on the grittle and get a lot more satisfaction. 😛

    Alex Hurst, A Fantasy Author in Kyoto
    A-Z Blogging in April Participant

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  6. I have to admit, I do think bacon (minus the fat) tastes good. But 3/4 of my family (including me) has moved to a plant-strong diet and over the course of my reading on veganism and vegetarianism, I’ve come to appreciate pigs as clean and intelligent animals. I can barely pass a truck carting pigs to slaughter without wanting to thwart its passage to the slaughterhouse. My desire to consume pork in any form is gone.

    And I don’t get bacon-flavored ice-cream. What’s up with that?

    Like

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