You sick bastards.


I’m only in the office for two days this week but I’m not even halfway through Day 1 and I’m already losing the will to live.


After I wrote my 12 Days of Nutmas post, it got me thinking. What would people be searching for on the actual birthday of Jeebus? Would there be peace? Would there be good will toward men? Or would there just be more of the usual achy assholes and chocolate funbags?

Thanks to a quick look at my blog’s associated search queries for Christmas Day, the results are in.

There were a lot of grinches.

merry fucking christmas
merry fucking christmas to you too
merry fuckin christmas
merry fucking xmas
merry fuckin’ christmas
merry fuck christmas
merry christmas fuck you
fucking merry christmas
merry fucken christmas

There was also this one lone genuine well-wisher.

merry christmas to you too

Although that could also have been meant in a snarky way. Sadly the oracle that is Google Webmaster Tools can’t tell you if something is typed in Sarcasm Sans or not.

There were people looking to reminisce about cute Disney characters…

bambi walking
bambi ice skating
bambi jumping
bambi trying to walk
bambi slipping on ice

…and people looking to celebrate a Robin Thickemas.

blurred lines christmas version

Someone’s computer is still misbehaving…

my computer made a terrifying crunching noise

…but their friends are going to scare it straight Liam Neeson style, with varying degrees of skill.

i have a very particular set of skills
i have a very special set of skills
i have a particular set of skills

i have special set of skills
i have a set of skills
i have skills

I got skills, they’re multiplyin’.

And then…we hit rock bottom.

good whores take it in the ass
penis superhero
your ass is mine
pickled peckers
one dick is never enough
whore spider
nintendo tits

I have to admit, I kind of like the nintendo tits one. It’s kind of like “titty sprinkles”; naughty in a playful way and twice as awesome if you imagine it being said in Morgan Freeman’s voice.

But as for the rest, come on, guys. BABY JEEBUS SEES WHAT YOU GOOGLE. Do you really want him to know you’re looking for some hot spider ass play on his birthday?

Save that shit for Easter.

6 thoughts on “You sick bastards.

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