A friend of mine hosts the most hysterical white elephant parties every year after Christmas. The perfect combination of good friends, good food, and awful presents, they are hands down the highlight of everyone’s January.

Never been to a white elephant party? You’re missing out. Here are some of my winnings from past years (“winnings” might be too kind a term for some of them) which could have been yours:

The Good – A felt-lined wooden box with a rooster on it, containing an assortment of fruit teas.

Knock knock, motherfucker. (Bloggess fans will understand.)

The Bad – A matched pair of holiday-themed mugs…with lids that look like extremely perky-nippled tits. Thanks, now I have to go knit a mug bra to go with my tea cosy¹.

“I know we’re snowmen, but still, is it a bit chilly in here?”

The Ugly – Two words: Demon Baby. This thing lives in my home, people. Be afraid, very afraid.

That was the point in the party when everyone strategically moved away from me so they wouldn’t have to sit next to the demon baby. Not that it mattered. Their souls were already his.

No, I did not Photoshop the color-changing face. That’s actually what the thing does. Because apparently today’s kids are so coddled we need to invent new nightmares for them.

Anyway, I was thinking today how much I was looking forward to this year’s party and unloading the Demon Baby on some other poor schmuck², and suddenly I realized I had my inspiration for today’s carol rewrite. So raise your voice while you rewrap those non-returnables, and sing…

We Wish You A Fair Regiftmas

We wish you a fair Regiftmas
We wish you a fair Regiftmas
We wish you a fair Regiftmas
And better presents next year.

So here’s this weird thing I got from my kin.
It’s yours if you want it cause I don’t need it here.

Oh look, it’s another toaster
‘Cause we clearly need more toasters
Yes we must have a dozen toasters
For our kitchen this year!

Oh who’ll take this ugly sweater?
This poor lonely Christmas sweater!
Oh who’ll wear this orphaned sweater
With a smile of good cheer?

I give you this thing whose charm has worn thin,
No backsies, it’s yours now! Have a Happy New Year!

We wish you a fair Regiftmas
We wish you a fair Regiftmas
We wish you a fair Regiftmas
And better presents next year!

Aww, you shouldn’t have. No, really, you shouldn’t have.

¹Is it just me or does “tea cosy” sound really dirty in this context?

²Repeat regifts are generally discouraged, but some of the more notoriously bad ones have been known to make multiple appearances in the interest of hilarity. I think Demon Baby more than qualifies for such an encore. I’ll make sure to package it with something nice like a panic button or a butcher’s knife.


5 thoughts on “Mer-regiftmas

  1. Last year I received a plunger I dubbed Paco. This year I gave an extra large paint stirring stick, on which I wrote, “Hi! I’m Stanley the Christmas stick! Merry Christmas!” Believe it or not, folks actually got a bit grabby over Stanley, stealing him from each other and whatnot. I must say, I rather dig the rooster box thingy, especially when you add the whole ‘knock knock motherfuckers’ bit. And I have to ask, is that a hedgehog ornament on that Christmas tree If so, I am a tad jealous (quirky Christmas ornaments are totally my thing, and I do not have a hedgehog!)


    • I like that you appear to share my love of naming inanimate objects. Paco sounds like a lovely guy, and I’m not surprised Stanley was in such high demand considering his enthusiastic Christmas spirit.

      That is indeed a hedgehog ornament on the tree. He and his brother (not pictured) are the newest additions to my ornament menagerie. I’m glad he made it into the video because he’s a nice distraction from the terrifying demon baby.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ah yes, I may be a tad obsessive about naming inanimate objects. Truly, nothing is safe or sacred. And I also tend toward being a tad over enthusiastic about naming animate things as well. My cat’s full name is D’Artanyn Bruno Bailey Wellingtom Benedryl Esq. and I once had a fish named Drop Dead Fred (fyi-very bad name for a gold fish). And the hedgehog is fabulous! Please tell me he has a name…lol


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