Baby, It’s Creepy In Here

The more I hear “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, the more uncomfortable it makes me. Nothing says holiday classic like a date-rapey exchange by the fire, right?

Admittedly the first two verses aren’t so bad, but then she starts asking what’s in her drink (WTF?!) and he dodges the question and responds with manipulative flattery and guilt trips instead, and she’s like, dude you’re totally gonna ruin my reputation, and he’s like YOU WON’T HAVE A REPUTATION TO RUIN IF YOU CATCH PNEUMONIA AND DIE, BITCH and I’m like, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD this is why chaperones used to be a thing, people.

So I did a little editing. My version doesn’t quite have the same musicality of the original, but it helps me sleep better at night.

Also it’s shorter, and when it comes to Christmas music, shorter is usually good.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside But I Respect Your Boundaries

“I really can’t stay…”
“That’s cool. But baby, it’s cold outside…so take my scarf and some gloves. I don’t think we can get you a cab, but would you like me to walk you home?”

Much better.