Google Webmaster Tools is the gift that keeps on giving…me nightmares about what weird-ass things people have been searching that lead to my blog.
It was a bit of a challenge to slog through all the recent search terms to find a dozen which were amusing yet short enough to fit this carol, but I persevered for you, dear readers, since the holidays are all about togetherness and sharing. So let’s all join hands and sing a rousing chorus of…
The Twelve Days of Nutmas Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Google gave to me:
Twelve horny convos,
Eleven trampoline dicks,
Ten achy assholes,
Nine pickled peckers,
Eight chocolate funbags,
Seven penis cancers,
Six butchered gardens,
Five boring socks!
Four pap smear photos,
Three spider whores,
Two ebola poes,
And a vegan hipster in a nut tree!
This is fun. What shall I mangle next?
Me: “I’m going on the naughty list, aren’t I?” Santa: “Yep.”
Spoken Like A True Nut 
I feel positively festive! Brilliant.
Mine are all about tits, ass or poop. So they are pretty much spot on. But yours are way more fun 🙂
Happy holidays!
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Honestly I’m surprised I don’t get more about poop considering how many of my posts concern bathrooms.
And extra happy holidays to you! (I threw an “extra” in there because I figure you could use a little surplus happy after your scary car accident – eep!)
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I can use surplus happy. Thanks!
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Love it, sang it outloud, got many funny looks…
Yeah, I daren’t look at the search terms for my blog…Chances are they are all of a “what the hell is wrong with people?!” level.
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Bonus points to you then because even I haven’t sung it out loud yet.
I figured I’d save the big performance for Christmas at my parents’ house. 😉
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Spider whores? Um…Whores who act like spiders, or spiders that act like whores?
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I don’t know. I just don’t know.
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I couldn’t help it – in my head, it went, “Fiiive boooorrrring socks.” But my favorite was the pickled peppers – the alliteration makes it just right for your holiday song
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That’s true. It’s a shame I couldn’t find more that were alliterative, but apparently that’s not a priority when you’re looking for chocolate funbags and spider whores.
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I’m envious that you had enough search terms to put this together.
Myself, I have ‘big vagina’ every day, along with the mildred comment once, and the occasional ‘grandad outdoors sex’ that I won’t even go into.
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Maybe the grandad outdoors sex was the real reason Mildred wanted him to go back to work. Less free time for romping in the wilderness with seniors.
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