Gimme A Break, Lola.

On Friday I told you about the first time I saw Lola, busty queen of gold lamé. I ended that story where I did because Lola’s triumphant last word always brings a smile to my face. But none of us are saints, least of all Lola, and as things turned out I was only to see her colorful flair grace my checkout a handful of times before it would be the last time.

Lola believed in sequins, glitter, rhinestones, blinged-out six inch heels…and five finger discounts. And no amount of sparkle from all the former could blind our store’s keen-eyed security team to the latter.

In fact they’re pretty much guaranteed to draw more attention to your activities.

On my lunch break one afternoon, one of the plain clothes security guards wandered in and slumped down in a chair. He was done for the day but not ready to face leaving yet; while I preferred to dash out the door the second I was free, a lot of the people at my store liked to sit around and crash for a bit before heading home, presumably to cool off a bit so their loved ones wouldn’t have to deal with the complete rage monster that stupid customers can cause you to become.

Guardian of the Grocery leaned back and stared straight up at the ceiling with blank eyes. I could see he was exhausted. so I let him be, but after a moment he rolled his head over my way, shook it slightly in disbelief, and began to speak.

“You know the tall guy that dresses like a showgirl?”

I nodded. Oh no. Lola, WHAT DID YOU DO?

“So I’m just about to take my lunch, right? Well, I felt like some chocolate, so I zip back out on the floor and buy myself a couple of KitKats. I’m heading back to the break room and I see him, standing there in that crazy red wig, just as he takes something off the shelf and slides it under his shirt. Fuck me, right? Now I can’t go on break, I gotta deal with this. So I shove the KitKats in my pocket and I start tailing him.”

He didn’t have to follow Lola long. She soon decided she had wandered around trying to look inconspicuous (a tall order, really) long enough and headed for the door. And once outside, Guardian of the Grocery confronted her. And Lola tried to run.

I think we can all agree I couldn’t NOT make this reference.

“Tried” being the operative word. It’s hard to reach top speed in platform strappy sandals. Lola’s hair was the first casualty, coming off in Guardian of the Grocery’s hand as he grabbed at her, and then she went down, all 6+ feet of her, in a writhing mass on the parking lot asphalt.

Lola was led, wigless and pouting, into the back office to be processed. Guardian of the Grocery fished the now somewhat melted KitKats from his pocket and tossed them on the desk, and started digging around in a corner filing cabinet for the paperwork he needed.

When he turned back to the desk, the KitKats had vanished, and Lola was studiously avoiding eye contact. Guardian of the Grocery, already in a bad mood, was done with decorum and began letting the curses fly.

“Oh you have got to be- seriously? You’re already in here for stealing and now you take my fucking KitKats? I just- I can’t- Fucking whatever. Keep ’em. Let’s just get this shit over and done with.”

He began filling out the necessary paperwork, angrily shaking his head and looking at Lola as little as possible. He was a few minutes in, when…

*CRUNCH*

“DUDE. You are NOT seriously eating my own fucking KitKat right in front of me.”

But Lola was. While her captor was otherwise occupied, she had retrieved one of his candy bars from wherever she had stashed it, opened the wrapper as stealthily as a sweet-toothed ninja, and was now staring back at Guardian of the Grocery with a face full of chocolate, a deer in the headlights expression, and the stolen snack clutched covetously between her hands.

“Jesus Christ, give me that,” said Guardian of the Grocery with disgust as he wrestled the KitKat away and tossed it in the garbage bin. Lola just stared at him sullenly and licked melted chocolate off her lips as he went back to his paperwork, glaring at her every few seconds.

And for a while, it looked like things were going to progress without further incident. Until Guardian of the Grocery had to make a few calls, at which point Lola decided he was distracted enough for her start in on the second candy bar. But while she was again as silent as could be with the wrapper, all it took was that tell-tale crunch, and…

“ARE YOU EATING MY OTHER FUCKING KITKAT?!”


Guardian of the Grocery finished the story there, as both of us were nearly choking with laughter and he was finally ready to head home. I never did find out what happened to Lola.

I do know that just by being caught shoplifting, she won herself an automatic ban from our store. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss seeing her around, but I was also super pissed at her. I hated that someone with so much exuberance and chutzpah had to go and wreck it all by turning out to be just another common thief. You’re better than that, Lola.

But I’ll say this much for her: for better or worse, Lola was never boring.

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5 thoughts on “Gimme A Break, Lola.

  1. It’s always the ones we love that hurt us the most, but holy shit the mental image of sidewalk chase was hilarious!! Your town sounds fun. All we’re known for now is the chick who had a third boob installed. Yeah, that’s where I live.

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  2. That’s an awesome story! That poor GOG!

    All I have are 1 tale of victory – for getting a local family of kleptos busted by our security guard at the top of the steps for stealing batteries right in front of my register at Woolworth’s in the 80’s; and 1 tale of woe for getting busted myself by a secret-shopper for pocketing a dollar from a customer who gave exact change & didn’t want her receipt (so I didn’t ring her up).

    What sucked about that last one was ALL the girls upstairs were doing this exact-change, non-ringing scam and making lunch money every week. I did it exactly ONCE and I got busted and fired. For a f’n DOLLAR. Bitches… LOL

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    • I got the best of a scam artist once. A really good one, too; great sleight of hand, impeccable acting. He didn’t stick around after I refused to give him the ten dollars he claimed I shorted him, but management printed a screenshot of him off our security footage and circulated it to other stores in the area, and lo and behold, he had successfully ripped most of them off. My manager congratulated me for catching a pro in the act and I felt superior all week.

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