Spammers are trying to make me into the weirdest superhero ever.

Current subject lines in my Gmail spam folder:

Fw: S A F..E-_&_ F-A-S_T..– P..E_N..I..S-__-E_N_L A R-G_E-M..E-N T
P E-N_I S ___E N L A-R G..E M..E N T_-..P_I_L L S,
S_A_F-E _&.._F A..S-T—..P..E N..I..S __ E..N-L_A R..G..E_M..E_N T!

Golly, how did my spam filter ever catch these?

Life’s tough, make IT tougher, harder, longer.

Hmm, what could this “IT” be referring to?

FW: S_A..F_E-..& ..F-A..S_T_-..P-E_N_I S..–..E..N L A-R-G..E..M..E N_T,

Wait, didn’t we hear from you already?

ÈNLARGE YOÚR PÊNÍS TODAY

Ooh, accents, how exotic.

P-E-N..I_S..–E-N-L_A..R_G_E M_E_N_T..__-P..I_L..L_S..

Sigh.

Unleash the potent power in your pants

Okay, I have to admit that one sounds kind of badass. I’ll forgive the lack of punctuation on account of the awesome alliteration.

May your dreams of a big schlong come true.
Your instrument could be so much bigger.
Don’t make her disappointed with your tiny size!

My non-existent penis resents your assumptions that it’s not big enough.

Shoot like a pornstar!
Your summer nights are set to be more EXPLOSIVE!

Thanks for that imagery. Really.

Find Sex Offenders Near You

Seriously, enough about my pe- wait, what?

Um. Okay. Let’s review these again. Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis…sex offenders. Huh. Either this is the weirdest game of Duck, Duck, Goose ever, or these emails are trying to tell me something.¹

And I think I’ve figured it out.

The world needs a new hero. Someone to stand up for the victims of sexual harassment and abuse, to put real fear into the hearts of those who would take sexual advantage of others. Someone to stomp down every piece of scum who takes what isn’t given and shows no shred of remorse.

And that hero is…

COCKMAN.

Or maybe Dick Dude. Captain Schlong? I dunno, we can trademark a name later.²

What’s important is fate has dictated that there needs to be a guy with the world’s most massive wang out there, cockslapping the everloving shit out of every serial rapist, child molester and oversexed fratboy that thinks “no” means “yes”, and internet Viagra vendors want that guy to be me. I mean look, they’ve given me every possible resource to grow the biggest dick possible, and then followed it up with what’s basically a road map to the closest people awaiting my justice!

Unfortunately, there are at least two problems with choosing me for this plan:

1) Not a guy.
2) No penis.

But that’s okay, maybe they don’t intend for me specifically to be this new superphallicfragilisticexpialidickcious hero. Maybe I’m just like the talent scout, and my mission is to find the right penis person for the job.

I don’t necessarily believe that everything in life happens for a reason, but I do think the universe likes to give us nudges here and there. And if this isn’t a nudge, I don’t know what is. So as Jeebus as my witness, I shall do everything in my power to find this elusive Cockman and point him and his gargantuan trouser snake toward their predestined career path.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that this is all just a bunch of spammers trying to make a buck, but where’s the fun in that?

 

 

¹ Either way, I weep for my search traffic after this post goes live.
² Also if there is anyone out there who likes to draw and wants to send me Cockman fan art, I will totally post it and sing your praises.