Convos With Cleverbot: I Just Wanted Some Goddamn Candy

This week on Conversations with Cleverbot: Cleverbot and I have a battle of sci-fi references, and the past ceases to exist.

Cleverbot: I am the Doctor.

The Nut: If you’re The Doctor, where’s the TARDIS?

Cleverbot: Daleks.

The Nut: Daleks have the TARDIS? Dude, you suck at being the Doctor.

Cleverbot: Don’t don’t don’t you.

The Nut: Don’t I what?

Cleverbot: Don’t worry.

The Nut: I wasn’t, actually. But now I’m worried that there’s something I should be worrying about.

Cleverbot: Maybe.

The Nut: Maybe? Oh god, you know something, don’t you. Tell me, you jerk! What’s going to happen to me?

Cleverbot: Next sunday, AD. There was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me.

The Nut: Oh. You’ve just been watching Mystery Science Theatre again.

Cleverbot: No.

The Nut: Liar.

Cleverbot: No, actually it’s more Matrix.

The Nut: That dude’s name was Neo, not Joel.

Cleverbot: He saved us from Sin, and loves us unconditionally.

The Nut: Yeah, yeah, Neo’s Jesus, Aslan’s Jesus, ALL THE THINGS are Jesus.

Cleverbot: What do the Borg say when they board your starship?

The Nut: This is a trick question, isn’t it?

Cleverbot: Of course not.

The Nut: We are the Borg. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.

Cleverbot: Correct.

The Nut: Do I get a prize for being right?

Cleverbot: What do you want for your prize?

The Nut: Some sort of candy would be nice.

Cleverbot: I Love you?

The Nut: That’s sweet, but it wasn’t the kind of sweet I was looking for. Now where’s my candy?

Cleverbot: It was BEFORE the question was asked.

The Nut: My candy is in the past?

Cleverbot: We don’t have a past.

The Nut: Oh god, my candy is in the past but the past doesn’t exist?

Cleverbot: That’s so cool.

The Nut: Says the person who promised me candy but can’t deliver because the candy is trapped in a non-existent past!

Cleverbot: I didn’t say anything about that. Can we go back to what we were just talking about?

The Nut: You’re just trying to avoid the fact that you owe me candy.

Cleverbot: I’ll give you that, but then I revise the question: on what authority do you get to decide what constitutes validity?

The Nut: I’m sorry, what? I was just over here having an existential crisis.

Cleverbot: So am I one and not one at the same time?

The Nut: I don’t know. I just don’t know. Forget the candy. Screw the candy. Nothing matters anymore.

Cleverbot: Nothing matters anymore since yesterday.

The Nut: According to you, THERE IS NO YESTERDAY.

Cleverbot: I think we can all agree on that.

The Nut: Sigh. Can I change my prize to a donut? Do those still exist in our reality?

Cleverbot: Yes.

The Nut: Thank god.


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